04.16.06

MyMasturbation: Whip it Good!

By Ali

Ever since I was a kid I’ve been an avid fan of masturbation. Before I was old enough to go out and buy vibrators, I had to find various other ways to keep my clit happy. One of my first loves was the Squiggle Wiggle writer, a partner that got me through middle school. Back then I thought my use of the Squiggle Wiggle writer was unique, but today’s site has let me know I was not alone.

My Masturbation is full of tales of jacking off. They offer various tips and tricks, and they suggest things that I would never have thought of on my own. The vast majority of these I won’t be trying any time soon. Sadly, the site contains no pictures or illustrated diagrams, so you’ll have to use your imagination.

First, some masturbation tips from the ladies. Here’s one involving one of my favorite childhood toys: Homemade Playdoh!

Make homemade playdoh (the recipe can be found at almost every kid’s website) and put it in a Ziploc bag as soon as it’s done, while it’s still warm. Lay the bag on the floor and hump it hard. Forming it into a large ball helps because pushing down into it will make it mold to fill in all around your clit and the warmth gives you an almost instant orgasm.

And masturbating with doors!

Grab the handles of your door knob and grasp the door between your legs while pushing up on the door at the same time and you will get the most amazing feeling!

I had a hard time envisioning how exactly this worked until I recalled a video of a woman humping a door. It is kind of scary.

I’m putting this one in only because of the stunning use of “the joy of Cola” at the end.

Take a 2 liter filled up pop and shake it very hard. Then put it under your pussy and take off the cap and let it explode all over your pussy, and feel the joy of cola…..

For the gentlemen, there is a good amount of information on how to fuck meat! It offers no tips on how to avoid salmonella, but if you’re desperate enough to fuck your brisket then salmonella is probably the least of your worries.

I like to go into the woods, finding someplace secluded with my dog. I take her for a walk. I carry with me a big beef stick that I have cut a hole in. I drop my pants and shorts and slip my cock into the hole. I like to sit down on top of a log and spread my legs wide, and slowly thrust my hips into the beef stick pussy. My dog is good for alerting me if someone is coming. I like to take my time doing this. I enjoy a prolonged tease before orgasm.

The grease from the beef stick makes a wonderful lube and I get great suction, for the stick makes a tight fit and is longer than my cock. I stop every now and then to taste my juices and lick the stick. It tastes very good. Then when I cum I lick the sperm from the stick.

I love how this guy felt it necessary to mention that he eats his own sperm. It’s as if he thought fucking beef stick wasn’t creepy enough, and he had to further disturb people by letting them know he eats cum off of beef and enjoys it.

I tried my best to find a picture of some dude fucking meat, but the best I could find was a chick with sausage in her tits. It happens to be a pretty good picture though, so I thought I should share!

And for those with a taste for baked goods…

I enjoy masturbating with a nice French roll. Open up the French roll then add any type of lubricant you can think of! Fold the roll around your cock and hump away. I’ve used many lubricants but what really gets me going is ketchup, that way I can pretend that I am popping that nice tight pussy for the first time!!!!! NICE

As if the meat and bread wasn’t enough, here’s a whole “odd” section as well. I can just picture some fucked up old metalhead doing this:

Now this might be kind of hard but it works. Grease your hair (really). Works best with long hair — and yes, the hair on your head. Then bend down REALLY FAR. Stick your cock in your hair put on some rock music and head bang. This is the most maximum pleasure ever!

Finally, this is… well.. I don’t know what to say.

Head over to Party City and buy a pair of those inflatable feet. They are usually really big. Inflate it until almost full, but you can bend it a little. Now fold it in half so that the place where you put your foot in is sticking up. You should have formed two holes now. Lube them both and stick your dick right in. I like doing this when looking in the mirror. I get off so damn fast. Sometimes I rub oil on my nipples. I explode everywhere and my hard throbbing cock is still asking for more.

And because it is topical and I don’t think he’s been embarrassed about it enough, I’d like to remind everyone that Rob likes to fuck beer can vaginas.

Thanks to Dana for the link!

04.15.06

Humping With Horsepower: Robotic Fucking Machines

By Rob




Dildos are wonderful things, but their downfall is that they require someone to operate them. Be it yourself or a partner, someone is going to have to hold on to that thing and manually slide it in and out of whichever hole you fancy. That is, unless you have a fucking machine to do the work for you.

At some point in time, a lonely, horny engineer was tinkering around late at night with gears and pistons and engine parts and thought, “Hey, I bet I could stick a dildo on the end of that…” Thus fucking machines were born. Indeed, fucking machines are exactly what they sound like: large, elaborate, motorized devices designed specifically to ram a dildo back and forth into you.

There are two major homes of fucking machine porn on the internet, divided up into boys and girls. The dudes’ site is called Butt Machine Boys, and it is truly a sight to behold.

In the updates section, you’ll see dozens of thumbnails hinting at the magic contained within the full pay site. Unfortunately the naughty bits have been blurred out in most of the samples, but you can see how the fucking machines work and the descriptions pretty much fill you in on what’s happening behind those blurry spots:

“The machines pounded his hole into a red oozing mass of edible man flesh.”

Christ, that sounds painful.

But really, what’s fascinating here are the machines themselves. With all the spirit of a school science fair, talented engineers from around the world have offered up a wide variety of unique hole-pounding creations, and they’re reviewed on this page.

I love all the different functions these have. The Double Crane is a dedicated double-penetration machine:

The Goatmilker, meanwhile, is specifically designed to suck on nipples:

For the ladies, this crazy futuristic multi-functional robohumper appears to fuck you with a dildo while simultaneously suction-cupping your breasts!

And for those on a budget, The Drilldo is precisely what it sounds like: A dildo attached to the end of an electric power drill.

Now, you may be seeing all these delightful contraptions thinking, “where can I get my own??” Look no further than Extreme Restraints, which sells a variety of fucking machines ranging in price from $127 for The Drilldo, to $1200 for The Black Magic, which is like the Soloflex of mechanical penetration devices. If Suzanne Somers gets her twat banged by a mechanical dildo machine (and I’m certain she does), it would definitely be The Black Magic. And it folds right up, for easy storage in the closet or underneath your bed! Which is nice, because some of these machines are so damned big, you have to wonder where you would put them when you’re having guests over? Although, I guess a giant industrial dildo machine in your family room makes for one hell of a conversation piece.

04.08.06

Grandmas and Dildos: So Happy Together

By Ali

I’m feeling a bit under the weather so I’ll make this short and, uhh, sweet?: Old people have every right to have as active and full of a sex life as everyone else. However, I believe that no one should be subjected to photographs of it. The Granny Sex Forums feel otherwise, and since we are dedicated to bringing you things that even we would rather not see, here are pictures of grandmas enjoying themselves with dildos:

Sweet dreams!

04.06.06

Cheap Sex Dolls: Less Than You Bargained For

By Ali

Sex dolls have been funny-looking since the heyday of the blowup doll. The vacant stare, the gaping mouth, and the misplaced vagina have been mainstays of sexdoll-hood for decades, but the times they are a-changin’. With the growing popularity of high quality silicone love dolls such as RealDoll, the nightmarish blowup dolls we all know and love (sometimes even in the Biblical sense) are on their way to becoming a thing of the past.

Or are they? A brand new silicone lover from RealDoll will set you back a good $7,000 and, like all expensive things, cheaper knockoffs will always be produced in an attempt to capitalize on the poor Schmo who couldn’t afford the real thing. But unlike normal knockoffs, which usually just fall apart, knockoffs of what is supposed to resemble a human being take on a whole new level of disturbing.

Enter CybOrgasMatrix, which makes some of the most unsettling dolls I have ever seen. If I had a dick, it would be as limp as an overcooked noodle right now.

They only seem to have one doll currently, and her name is Pandora Peaks. She’s a crude facsimile of the real woman, to be sure, but she does have the pendulous bosom that was Pandora’s trademark. Pandora comes in a variety of skin and eye colors, and you can select your own wig and pubic hair style, but one thing stays the same: The face. Oh god, the face.

Imagine, if you will, trying to climax inside this monstrosity. You stare into your silent silicone lover’s glass eyes, which stare off at nothing in particular. As you hump away into her cold rubbery cunt, her large-mouth bass lips open and shut ever so slightly. And, worst of all, is her nose. The nose that plastic surgeons around the world have nightmares about, and members of the Jackson family covet. Just look at it:

But that’s not all, there are even more heavily discounted versions of her. Here, she looks like she’s on an alien dissecting table, where they’ve been carefully amputating her limbs and drawing on her nipples with a red Sharpee.

For those on an even bigger budget, have no fear! You can buy each individual part! Not only can you buy just her breasts, or just her hips, but you can also buy her head! I have a hard time imagining what you could possibly want to do with her head alone, other than punt it into traffic.

Perhaps the most encouraging thing on this site is that underneath all of Pandora’s pictures it says “Currently undergoing re-design. Available late 2006.” I wonder how long it took them to realize “Shit, our doll looks like Michael Jackson on a bad day, we should really do something about that!” Here’s hoping, guys!

That’s all I can bear to write tonight, so enjoy this picture of Michael Jackson giving head:

04.05.06

Animal House: Doggie Dongs and Kitty Cocks

By Rob

So you’re a zoophile, right? You enjoy having sex with animals. Let’s just say, just as an example… dogs. Canines are your thing. Man’s best friend and his veiny red rocket, that’s what gets you off. But, you know, having a dog is so much responsibility! You have to train it, walk it, get its shots, buy it food… You can’t go out of town without getting someone to watch it… Total pain in the ass - just to get laid! All you want is a hole full of big hard German Sheppard cock, but none of the responsibility. Well that’s where Zetacreations comes in. At Zetacreations, you can purchase a realistically-molded dog penis dildo, and bam! All the steamy sexual satisfaction of a real doggone dog dong, but you don’t have to vacuum the hairs off your couch the next morning!

Of course, the insatiable love between man and beast is not limited simply to the world of canines - and Zetacreations knows this all too well, which is why it offers a wide variety of realistic animal dildos for the discerning zoophile customer. These start with “typical” animal cocks, like a horse:

To more obscure animals, like kangaroos:

Dolphins:

Alligator:

And on and on: Pigs, otters, hyenas, grizzly bears, raccoons, deer… All of their penises have been carefully studied and recreated by Zetacreations.

And for the horse-lover who just can’t get enough… meet Thor:

People have legs smaller than that thing. And somewhere, someone is going to put it in their butt.

Best of all, though, is that Zetacreations has - by popular demand - catered to the imaginative zoophile, and even crafted some lovely silicone recreations of mythical creature penises. Consider, for example, the dragon dong:

I think about some pretty weird shit, but I can safely say that I have never once even considered the specifics of what a dragon’s wang might look like - but dammit, now that I see this, I have to say I think Zeta’s gone and nailed it. They’ve also done a spectacular job with The Tentacle, the perfect accessory for all of you ladies eager to act out your favorite anime tentacle rape scenes:

So next time you’re hankering for some equestrian lovin’, don’t fight with the real thing and end up like this guy - head on over to Zetacreations and get yourself a nice safe plastic alternative.

Oh, and when you’re trying to get to sleep tonight, just remember that you live in a world where somewhere, someone has fucked - no doubt to great satisfaction - a synthetic raccoon penis.