12.14.06

How To Enlarge Your Penis: “The Difference Between a Hot Dog and a Salami”

By Rob

So yeah, it’s been a while. We’ve been busy again. But that’s okay, because like a persistent infection, we’re back, and we have a special treat for you today.

Many years ago, some friends of mine bought a penis pump as a gag gift for another friend. The pump came with a VHS tape entitled “How To Enlarge Your Penis.” On it, an obscure gay porn star named Scott Taylor walks you through the process of enlarging your meatsicle via meticulous demonstration, and discusses his lengthy (pun intended) experiences with the pump - all in a charming wrapper of bad 80’s DIY video production. The tape was so funny and creepy and amazing that it became a thing of legend amongst our group of friends - but over the years, we lost track of the video, and we feared it gone forever, lost to the world like an ancient treasure… until last night. While digging through some old hard drives, I found a digital copy we’d made of the infamous tape - and now, I shall share it with you.

This video is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. There are so many great lines, I don’t even know where to start. For quick and convenient viewing, I’ve put together a 5 minute highlight reel on PornoTube:

But if you want the true experience, I highly recommend watching the full 15 minute feature:

We’ll be back with a “bigger” (pun again intended) update soon. No, really.

05.26.06

Teddy Babes: When You’re Stuffed With Loneliness

By Rob

We’ve previously featured cheap sex dolls and people who fuck their stuffed animals, but I never would have imagined that the two would ever come together. Enter Teddy Babes, the first and only plush love dolls.

Teddy Babes are exactly what they sound like - instead of stuffed animals, they are life-sized stuffed girls, and they actually look like they’re very well-made. Of course, they would hold no appeal to plushophiles, as plushies are only interested in stuffed animals. Rather, these plush vixens seem to be targeted at a uniquely lonely type of man who wants a sex doll he can sleep and cuddle with at night - like a giant, D-cupped teddy bear. But don’t think that the cuddly nature of Teddy Babes means they can’t get down to business when you’re ready for more than a snuggle, as Teddy Babes come fully equipped with a velvety vaginal opening - which, as shown below, can be removed for cleaning. That would be an embarrassing mix-up at the laundry mat, wouldn’t it? “Excuse me, Sir, I think I found your, um, plush girlfriend’s vagina in with my socks.”

Teddy Babes come in a variety of different models to suit your individual tastes. Although, as the website says, “There’s really no reason to settle for just one. Collect them all, and create your own Teddy Babes harem!” At this point I can only picture some fat, lonely, middle-aged man - some sort of living embodiment of The Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons - arriving home after a hard day at work to his dirty little apartment, and entering the bedroom to find his Teddy Babe harem, lying naked in wait for their tubby master. He then makes love to them, passionately, and when he is done he sits on his bed, naked, eating chips, his harem positioned all around him, their breasts stained with Cheeto residue, happily snuggling with him while he watches his Babylon 5 DVDs in sweet, post-coital bliss.

If that scenario sounds like something that’s been missing from your life, you probably have some burning questions about Teddy Babes. The website’s FAQ is full of answers to important issues such as “What is her butt like?” Yes, they have an answer:

A Teddy Babe’s rear-end is round and sexy. It’s very squeezable and “spankable.”

Eww.

But thorough though the FAQ is, I had some of my own questions about Teddy Babes that simply weren’t covered on the website. So I wrote the following e-mail to Teddy Babes:

Hello,

I am considering purchasing a Teddy Babe, but I have some specific needs and would like to ask a few questions. I have purchased several love dolls in the past, and have been unhappy with the plastic/rubber feel of the skin, so naturally I am wondering if the soft plush of Teddy Babes would be a viable alternative.

Question: I am interested in urinating on my Teddy Babe. Would this damage the Teddy Babe, and if so to what extent? Generally I only drink water so my urine would not be particularly potent, thus odor is not an issue. I would only urinate on her when she has misbehaved, so I am not anticipating this to occur more than once a week. However, I would not want to cause any lasting damage to my Teddy Babe.

Question: Is it possible to custom order a Teddy Babe with red stuffing inside, such that a cut or tear in the Teddy Babe’s “skin” would produce red “blood”? I enjoy rough sex with my love dolls and would be interested in seeing realistic wounds as a result. Naturally, I would be willing to pay extra for such a customization.

Question: Are you aware of any way to simulate the mark of a branding iron on my Teddy Babe’s “skin”? I would like to brand my name onto my Teddy Babe’s buttocks, as one would do to cattle, so she understands she is my property and should act as such - however, I understand that using an actual branding iron on a plush woman would probably catch it on fire.

Question: How stain resistant are Teddy Babes,
particularly from substances like semen, feces, blood, and peanut butter? Just out of curiosity.

Thank you for your time and for providing such a unique product.

The fine folks at Teddy Babes actually wrote me back, and gave this response:

In answer to your questions, our Teddy Babes are essentially like stuffed animals. So, in terms of staining or damange, they would hold up as well (or as badly) as pretty much any other stuffed toy or teddy bear would under such conditions. Incidental semen stains and the like can be cleaned with a little soap and water (or Woolite), but we don’t recommend getting your Teddy Babe soaking wet or applying things like feces or peanut butter, which will obviously damage the doll. :-) We also don’t offer customized dolls at this time, but maybe in the future. Also, given that our doll is a stuffed toy based on a sewn pattern, if you cut them to simulate an open wound, it would likely result in distorting the doll’s overall shape.
In terms of branding, our dolls are made of plush fabric, which would likely catch on fire, yes. But there’s always airbrush paint or various kinds of stencils, which might achieve the desired effect.
;-)

Hope that helps. Thanks for your interest in Teddy Babes.

Yes, yes that definitely helped. And kudos on the impressively professional response. Now my mind is made up, as I’m sure yours is, so head on over to the order page and sign up for your own Teddy Babe, at the low price of $650.00 each.

Thanks to Telivarn for the link.

05.10.06

Ladies And Gentlemen… Mr. Goatse.

By Rob

If you’re a veteran internet dweeb, there’s no doubt you know what the term “goatse” refers to. If you’re not a veteran internet dweeb, Wikipedia should give you more than you need to know, but here’s the quick and dirty: Basically, goatse.cx was a website which displayed the following image to shock unsuspecting viewers:

Yes, a man stretching his rectum to grotesque proportions. You’ve almost certainly seen that before - and if you hadn’t, well… Welcome to the other side. You can’t un-see that, my friend. You’re one of us now.

Goatse became an infamous internet meme and spawned countless netnerd jokes, Photoshoppings, and even a t-shirt. But as well-known as the goatse name and that dreadful picture have become, most people know nothing about the man behind the ass. As it turns out, his name is Kirk Johnson, and he’s kind of a big deal. Well, at least in the world of extreme male anal insertions. When it comes to rectal stretching, this guy is the king.

Kirk, or “Mr. Goatse,” as the internet has dubbed him, regularly posts photos and videos of himself on the newsgroup alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.male.anal. His acrobatic ass, which seems to defy all laws of nature, can be seen taking bottles, dildos, giant butt plugs, and his own fists. I’m going to share with you some of his best work, including a video that you have to see to believe. But first, let’s take a look at Mr. Goatse’s famous anus in its default state:

I don’t know how many people reading this have actually taken a good look at their own asshole, but I’ll give you a little tip: It’s not supposed to look like that. It’s supposed to be much, much smaller. I’m guessing that Mr. Goatse has more anal leakage than the guy who invented Olestra, and has to wear a diaper or some shit to keep it from dribbling onto his office chair while he’s preparing your taxes or whatever this guy does for a dayjob. Maybe he sticks a super-absorbency tampon up in that badboy and hopes for the best. Either way, I suppose it’s a small price to pay for having great party tricks like this one:

This one’s clever, too:

He’s just warming up, though. Let’s bring out the big guns:

Here’s my favorite - he’s actually reached his penis down and stuck it in his ass. Mr. Goatse can buttfuck himself! If this ain’t a cure for a friday night alone at home, I don’t know what is:

But really, Mr. Goatse is nothing without his signature move. A Kirk Johnson photo shoot without the famous stretch would be like a Skynyrd concert without “Freebird.” So here it is, and in the great outdoors no less:

But none of this even begins to compare with seeing Mr. G in action. This video adds a whole new dimension to the Goatse world. This is to Goatse what technicolor was to film. Ladies and Gentlemen, please click the thumbnail below to see Kirk Johnson working his special magic, in full glorious video:

To conclude, I should mention that no photo of Mr. Goatse has ever shown his face, which means that he could be your teacher, your accountant, your neighbor, or even that one creepy uncle who always hugs you a little tighter than he probably should. Wash your hands, people. Always wash your hands.

05.07.06

Looners: I Like Big Balloons and I Cannot Lie

By Ali

One of the best parts about running Population Paste is the educational experience that comes with it, and the expanded vocabulary that one can only get by actively seeking out this nonsense. Today’s word is “looner,” which is slang for a balloon fetishist. Yeah you read that right, balloons. The same ones you knew and loved from your childhood. Those balloons are now being humped by men and women across the globe, who squeal with glee when their latex lovers pop.

Here’s a rather cute dame from balloooons getting her kicks out of nearly, but not quite, popping a balloon:

I gleaned most of my information about looners from Deviant Desires, which explains the two main camps in the looner community, the poppers and non-poppers. As it explains:

For many looners, the primary jolt of sexual arousal comes from the fear/anticipation/shock of a balloon popping. Looners divide themselves up into occasionally contentious camps around the issue of “to pop or not to pop.” Non-poppers sometimes say that they “just want to give the balloon a chance” whereas for poppers, if the balloon doesn’t pop, neither do they.

I’m not sure what giving “the balloon a chance” really means so I’ll just take their word for it that giving a balloon a chance to not be popped is erotic. So now that we’ve got that squared away, let’s get to the pictures! I found a lot of good stuff at ballon-porn-fetish.

I’m not really sure if I fully understand the balloon fetish but I think part of the fun is watching a girl inflate a balloon really big, and the real fun comes in the surprise of not knowing when it’s going to pop, and what her reaction is going to be. I’m not sure WHY that’s erotic but I guess that’s why I’m not a looner.

There are also the surreal vintage balloon fetish site, and gay looners such as Buster who take pictures of themselves pressing large balloons against their groins.

And how can you have a balloon fetish without actually buying the balloons? Of of the more impressive sites that specifically caters to balloon fetishists is BigBoysBalloons, which features some rather impressive images. Here’s one:

Special thanks to dirty hippie Clayton for reminding me that balloon fetishists exist.

04.26.06

Cunt Pumping: Chubby Cunts for All

By Ali

Rob’s entry about penis pumping last night reminded me of something that had blissfully slipped my mind until now: Pussy pumping. While cock pumping makes sense in a way because large cocks are seen as an indication of male sexual prowess, I can’t think of a goddamn reason why any chick would want to make her cunt swollen to the size of her fist. I just… I mean, I’ve had a cunt for as long as I can remember, and I like doing weird shit to it, but why would you… why… I’m at a loss for words here.

Pornabees features some extreme pussy pumping. They take a perfectly normal-looking cunt, slap on a gasmask with some suction at the end, and suck and suck until the result looks alarmingly like an apricot with a bad toupee.

The funniest thing about grossly enlarged vulvas is how much they resemble the lips on a person’s face. In fact, I’m going to work a little Photoshop magic now, and I encourage everyone to try this on pictures of their friends as well because it’s hella funny. Before:

And after (Sorry Cliff!):

That’s all done by using the gasmask-looking pumps, which seem to result in a pussy that looks more or less like a normal one, only larger. Some women decide to use the tube-shaped ones that were probably meant for cocks, with disturbing results. There are sites with pictures of women who look like their unborn fetuses are being tugged right the fuck out, as can be seen here:

Oh, that’s nice. A large wad of indiscernable flesh that looks a bit like a prolapsed rectum. Consider my engines revved!

Did you find this article exciting? Want to learn how to pump your own pussy? Here’s the step by step instructions to get your own ridiculous engorged lovemound. I am eagerly awaiting the day someone starts the world’s first bellybutton-pumping site.

04.25.06

Pump Weekend: Because Inflating Your Genitals Is No Fun Without Friends

By Rob

Cock pumping is the timeless art of inflating your genitals by use of vacuum suction. Blood and lymph are sucked into the spongy tissue of your penis by the vacuum of the pump, causing it to stretch and swell. It sounds painful, and it can’t be good for you, but there’s simply no stopping some guys in their quest for a bigger schlong. Even more bizarre is saline injecting, a means of swelling up the balls to epic proportions.

There are plenty of well-documented extreme examples of pumping/saline, but today I want to focus on the social aspect. You see, for serious pumpers, pumping is not simply a utilitarian activity, but an arousing one. They like to sit around for hours and pump their meat as big as it can get. And as you can imagine, they like a little company while they’re going at it. Thus, cock-pumping enthusiasts from around the globe gather together at Pump Weekend, where they laugh, play, and frolic in the sun, all the while with giant plastic vacuum spheres around their genitals (click to enlarge - pun intended):

What the fuck is that thing? It looks like his penis is being quarantined. His wiener is a bubble boy or some shit. And look at it all coiled up like a big sweaty pink snake, ready to pounce.

A while ago I found this guy’s site, which features a lot of great pictures from all the pumping parties he’s attended. At pumping parties, you’re free to hang around in the buff with other pumpers, and work that pump until you have a veritable Pringles can stuffed with man-meat:

The next Pump Weekend starts this thursday, so you’d better hurry up and register! But what exactly goes on at Pump Weekend - other than the pumping, of course? A quick check on the schedule of events holds many answers. My favorite is the “swap meat,” where you can swap those old tubes that you’ve outgrown with someone who maybe has some nice nipple pumps you’ve been eyeing. I don’t even really like wearing used pants - but used penis pumps? Ewww. I bet they smell.

You’re probably ready to learn more about pumping, and maybe even attend the weekend. Tiger Pumping offers a handy “how to pump” guide for all those n00bs out there whose penises haven’t yet begun to resemble the sandworms from Dune: