10.23.06

Gays Gone Goofy

By Ali

It never ceases to blow my mind how many talented artists draw really fucking weird sexual imagery. Rob Clarke is one such artist. His works run the whole gay gamut, from your typical leathermen/cops/marines to defecating clowns (?!).

Rob is an illustrator who focuses on erotic gay imagery, with all of his men done in the hunky Tom of Finland style. Setting his work apart from other gay artwork I’ve seen (not that I’ve seen a lot or anything!) is that his images typically have a humorous side to them. At least I hope humor was the intended outcome, as I’d like to think that gay illustration aficionados don’t regularly fantasize about Joe Camel orgies:

Rob’s site has a whole section of holiday-oriented artwork, including tax day and even the under-appreciated groundhog day. This little guy predicts six more weeks of anal fisting:

The fun continues in a series of illustrations, many of them famous people in various stages of undress. I’m pointing this one out because why the fuck does half-dolphin David Bowie have half-dog David Bowie on a leash?

Rob seems to have a heightened interest in bodily functions, as is evidenced by the numerous defecating half-donkey men and farting cowboys. Apparently the Wild West was full of beefcake men who would frequently strip down to their boots and hold erotic fart rodeos:

There is also quite a bit of focus on men that are either dressed as animals or turning into them. My personal favorites are the men turning into donkeys a-la Pinocchio, but nude and with muscles bulging and schlongs flopping. There’s many more illustrations of otherwise normal men with animal features (curly pig tails or bunny ears) and men dressed as animals scattered throughout the site. Cock-a-doodle-doo indeed!

As always, I like to save the best for last. There’s one part of the site, the Poodle Parlor, that’s focused on the farting, shitting poodle boy. Each image is animated and accompanied by a dog-related joke. It’s really hard to pick out the single creepiest part of the poodle images. Is it the little white pompadour with the bow attached to a nude man? Is it the fact that he’s farting up a storm in two of the images? Is it the fucking butterflies? You tell me.

And even though this isn’t really erotic or anything, I figured I’d share the link to the Poodle Fitness video because it’s been making the rounds lately and it’s creepy as fuck:

07.10.06

Macrophile Furries: More Horsecock Than You Can Shake a Dick At

By Ali

Alright alright, I admit I’m a horrible person for taking some time off to go on vacation, rock out, and call up Rob while blasted on cheap beer at 1AM to threaten his life (for reasons I can’t quite recall). It was fun, but now it’s back to the old grind. And I know Rob’s been busy too, what with having to fill in as temporary chairperson of his local NAMBLA chapter and all, so please excuse him for that. “So many little boys, so little time,” as the old adage goes, heh.

But enough distractions. I came to bring the pain, hardcore from the internet. And today, pain has taken the form of gigantic furry cocks. And titties. Sometimes on the same creature. Enter Gideon’s Corral.

So there’s this whole macrophile thing, right? It’s a fetish that revolves around amazingly huge things, be they people, furries, or just their genitalia. The above image is a prime example: There’s some sultry sabre-toothed damsel, with cleavage that puts Pandora Peaks to shame, paired with a big furry sheath, and testicles nearly as large as the creature’s breasts. For contrast there is a small… well I don’t know what it is, but it’s furry and snuggled deep in the sabre-tooth’s bosom. And there you have it: It’s like Venus of Willendorf for the 21st century, if only Venus was an intersexed furry.

Now if there’s any one creature renowned for their massive members, it’s the horse. I can’t count the times I’ve referred to a particularly well-endowed, uhh, “gentleman caller” as having a horsecock. With this ill rep, it’s no surprise that horses play a prominent role in Gideon’s art. But rather than having the standard massive horse-sized cock, they have genitals so large and swollen that they’d probably pass out and die from lack of blood to the brain the first time they got an erection.

But this is all fantasy, and in a fantasy world there are no limits to the amount of blood that can be shifted around in one’s bloodstream or the size of one’s genitals. There’s also no limit to what species can be depicted, so here we have two of my favorite mythological beasts getting it on: A beautiful unicorn having her titties licked by a badass red dragon.

Season’s greetings! Here’s a little holiday display from two reindeer.

This was one of the more perplexing images on the site: A sabre-tooth cat with a cock the size of a leg, tormenting a guy going to a keg party? I don’t get it.

Back to the horse theme! Here’s a picture of a clydesdale clearing out the red light district with a blast of semen:

… and here he is doing some freelance demolition work:

Now I’d like to go on record saying that drawing in three-point perspective is fucking hard as hell. You have three vanishing points so you’ve really got to line everything up just right or it’s going to look all right. And not only has Gideon done that, but he’s managed to cover it in some pretty impressive-looking semen. Kudos, Gideon.

Gideon’s range isn’t limited to strictly furry faces though, there are human faces as well. See for yourself: A zebra centaur woman with NIPPLES TWICE THE SIZE OF HER HEAD and a cock vein the size of her arm. Nice.

Lastly, a little tribute to the comic book fans out there! Check this bodacious bat-babe out:

So if gigantic ejaculating horses are your thing, visit Gideon’s Corral today!

05.03.06

Chubby Buddies: Because You’re Never Too Old And Fat And Horrifyingly Disgusting To Get Naked For The Camera

By Rob

When I think of gay dudes, I think of young, good-looking guys with way better bodies than I’ll ever have and better personal hygiene than some girls I’ve dated. By default I kind of forget that gay guys keep being gay well after they’ve stopped being young and attractive. As it turns out, they’re still just as gay, and horny as ever. Thank God better judgement hasn’t intervened and prevented fat, hairy, middle-aged men from posting erotic photos of themselves on the internet. Please enjoy this fine selection of “chubs and bears,” as they call themselves:

Oh dear Lord. Why does it look like your Grandma’s vagina is hanging out of that dude’s ass?

Mmm, soap it up, you sexy beast!

I really love this guy, holding his teddy bear:

Mustaches seem to be a real theme. Apparently this guy missed the memo, but he makes up for it with raw sex appeal:

Oh fuck that’s rough. Don’t stop now, the fun’s just getting started. It’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better:

Read the rest of this entry »

04.25.06

Pump Weekend: Because Inflating Your Genitals Is No Fun Without Friends

By Rob

Cock pumping is the timeless art of inflating your genitals by use of vacuum suction. Blood and lymph are sucked into the spongy tissue of your penis by the vacuum of the pump, causing it to stretch and swell. It sounds painful, and it can’t be good for you, but there’s simply no stopping some guys in their quest for a bigger schlong. Even more bizarre is saline injecting, a means of swelling up the balls to epic proportions.

There are plenty of well-documented extreme examples of pumping/saline, but today I want to focus on the social aspect. You see, for serious pumpers, pumping is not simply a utilitarian activity, but an arousing one. They like to sit around for hours and pump their meat as big as it can get. And as you can imagine, they like a little company while they’re going at it. Thus, cock-pumping enthusiasts from around the globe gather together at Pump Weekend, where they laugh, play, and frolic in the sun, all the while with giant plastic vacuum spheres around their genitals (click to enlarge - pun intended):

What the fuck is that thing? It looks like his penis is being quarantined. His wiener is a bubble boy or some shit. And look at it all coiled up like a big sweaty pink snake, ready to pounce.

A while ago I found this guy’s site, which features a lot of great pictures from all the pumping parties he’s attended. At pumping parties, you’re free to hang around in the buff with other pumpers, and work that pump until you have a veritable Pringles can stuffed with man-meat:

The next Pump Weekend starts this thursday, so you’d better hurry up and register! But what exactly goes on at Pump Weekend - other than the pumping, of course? A quick check on the schedule of events holds many answers. My favorite is the “swap meat,” where you can swap those old tubes that you’ve outgrown with someone who maybe has some nice nipple pumps you’ve been eyeing. I don’t even really like wearing used pants - but used penis pumps? Ewww. I bet they smell.

You’re probably ready to learn more about pumping, and maybe even attend the weekend. Tiger Pumping offers a handy “how to pump” guide for all those n00bs out there whose penises haven’t yet begun to resemble the sandworms from Dune:

04.03.06

Brokeback On The Highway: Hard-Revvin’ Hairy Feet

By Rob

There is a very strange place where homosexual foot worship and macho automobile enthusiasm collide to form one of the most unlikely niche fetishes I’ve ever seen: pedal pumping. Pedal pumping revolves around the interest in seeing feet - usually bare or in white socks - pumping the gas pedal of a car. Only occasionally does this involve any nudity - usually it’s just the feet, which almost makes it more bizarre.

Although there is female pedal pumping, gay male pedal pumping is more fascinating because it seems to go at odds with the macho nature of redneck dudes who like to drive their cars and trucks fast. It’s kind of like a foot-centric “Brokeback Mountain” meets “The Fast And The Furious.”

For pedal porn enthusiasts, this site offers a collection of amateur pumping videos on VHS, which feature various men revving the engines of their cars. Kevin’s page offers a video series entitled “Redneck Guys,” with the following description: “Watch as my buddies work the pedals in their monster trucks, mud trucks, and old muscle cars. Lots of hard starting, pumping, and good hard revving!” And of course, all the while, you’ll be watching their sexy hairy feet.

Whitesox38’s Male Pedal Pumping Site has a number of free galleries featuring feet in various stages of pumping, with macho tag lines like “Hawker knows how to pump and drive his Taurus HARD!!!” All of the pictures and videos are essentially identical - just feet on pedals, feet on pedals, and more feet on pedals. I’m sure there’s a great deal of nuance to all of this that I’m missing, but it seems like one would get rather bored jacking off to the same types of pictures over and over again. Is it the variance in footwear that keeps it exciting? Are certain types of cars more boner-inducing than others? I guess the incredibly limiting nature of the fetish might do well to explain its somewhat limited presence on the internet. At least there’s no shortage of general male foot devotion.

Thanks again to Tamar for sending me this one.

03.27.06

Multiple-Limb Mayhem

By Ali

The reason most guys give for liking lesbians is along the lines of “If one girl is good, two girls is even better!” The “more is better” view is perfectly valid when applied to a lot of other things, like cheesecake and My Little Pony. It’s ok to want dozens of My Little Ponies. However, it is not ok to want dozens of legs.

A while back I had the misfortune of stumbling across boytaur.net, which is a gay foot fetish website gone horribly, horribly wrong. It specializes in Photoshops of men with multiple limbs, the most common configuration being two sets of legs arranged in a centaur-like fashion, but it doesn’t leave the multiple-hand fetishists in the dark, either. It has stories too, mostly about normal guys suddenly growing new limbs. One of my “favorites” is Leg Wheel, about a man who finds himself transforming into a gigantic mass of legs that rolls across the floor, and the friend who loves him for it.

“Hey, can you help me with this?” he said. I realized he was having just as hard a time now with the tank top. No wonder. His arms were now four big legs, too huge and awkward to get the tank top up and over his shoulders, which were more like hips now. He was bent forward, the four new feet on the floor, trying to pull his tank top off his forelegs by snagging it with feet - any feet - from his hind legs, but he couldn’t see with the tank top halfway off and covering his face. So all the big long legs were kind of flailing as they blindly tried to reach their feet for the stranded tank top, their feet thudding against the floor or their long thighs slapping each other.

Although the stories are pretty impressive, the pictures are truly the highlight of the site. There’s guys with three, four, six, eight and even more legs, furiously jacking off because apparently having multiple limbs makes you insatiably horny. I’m willing to bet that somewhere out there’s some poor guy that was born with another set of legs sticking out from his abdomen, and the guys from Boytaur are knocking down his door because he’s clearly a born sex-fiend.

Despite all this, I do appreciate Boytaur for enhancing my vocabulary. I had never before heard the term “wristfooted,” but now I know that it refers to people who have feet instead of hands. Thanks, Boytaur!

I’m going to let Boytaur speak for itself, but this picture is too ridiculous to leave out.