12.14.06

How To Enlarge Your Penis: “The Difference Between a Hot Dog and a Salami”

By Rob

So yeah, it’s been a while. We’ve been busy again. But that’s okay, because like a persistent infection, we’re back, and we have a special treat for you today.

Many years ago, some friends of mine bought a penis pump as a gag gift for another friend. The pump came with a VHS tape entitled “How To Enlarge Your Penis.” On it, an obscure gay porn star named Scott Taylor walks you through the process of enlarging your meatsicle via meticulous demonstration, and discusses his lengthy (pun intended) experiences with the pump - all in a charming wrapper of bad 80’s DIY video production. The tape was so funny and creepy and amazing that it became a thing of legend amongst our group of friends - but over the years, we lost track of the video, and we feared it gone forever, lost to the world like an ancient treasure… until last night. While digging through some old hard drives, I found a digital copy we’d made of the infamous tape - and now, I shall share it with you.

This video is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. There are so many great lines, I don’t even know where to start. For quick and convenient viewing, I’ve put together a 5 minute highlight reel on PornoTube:

But if you want the true experience, I highly recommend watching the full 15 minute feature:

We’ll be back with a “bigger” (pun again intended) update soon. No, really.

06.05.06

ConjoinedDreams: Double your pleasure!

By Ali

Men love lesbian porn, right? The idea that one “girl = good, two girls = better” is an integral part of male sexuality. But what if you want all the perks of two sets of bouncing boobies without the hassles of, oh I don’t know, legs and the ability to do anything more than wiggle around on the ground?

Apparently the fetish for multi-limbed people is more prevalent than I had previously believed. In Multiple-Limbed Mayhem I explored the male-oriented part of this fetish, so it’s long-past due for a peek into the female-oriented site, ConjoinedDreams, where all of these pictures are from.

Although conjoined twins are identical by definition, in the magical world of conjoined fetishes you can be fraternal twins or possibly even unrelated! From what I gather, there may be a mysterious fluid that will cause your body to fuse with another’s (as written about in quite a few stories). It’s a ridiculous premise, but now that I think about it, it would be nice if someone could splash that fluid on me and maybe Tobey Maguire.

I actually really appreciate the lengths some people go to in order to make their fantasies come to life. It’s not enough to think about a woman with multiple limbs, or look at pictures of Cheng and Eng and jerk yourself off into multi-limb oblivion. No, you gotta whip out the old Photoshop and make your dreams come to life. Especially if you dream of women joined at the pelvis, and one’s pussy is the other’s anus. Look at the image below: I’m curious if fucking that hole would count as sodomy or not.

One aspect that seems to be implied by the conjoined fantasy is the idea of not only fucking two girls at once, but fucking twin sisters.

I’ll be perfectly honest here, I was originally going to write about how conjoined twins form and that wanting to fuck conjoined twins BECAUSE they’re conjoined is a little messed up, but I’d rather write about this fun little fact I discovered through my research just now: There is a protein called Sonic hedgehog (named after the game character) which determines where your middle is, and if you’re deficient in it then you end up with one eye and no nose, like that adorable little one-eyed kitten. It’s funny they named it Sonic hedgehog, and I now firmly believe that more things need to be named after video game characters for the sake of the ensuing awkward medical conversations. “I’m sorry son, your Mario and Luigi glands aren’t producing enough goomba.”

Honestly, looking at all this shit makes me feel really bad for the Hensel twins, a cute pair of conjoined teenage girls. They seem to be getting along fine as they are, but you just KNOW that the conjoined-fetish community has a fucking count-down to the day they turn 18.

Of course, no fantasy this far out would be complete without the disturbing not-even-close-to-realistic 3D renders. I’d like to think that the reason the blonde chick is so surprised is her brunette sister just let one rip.

And finally, two-headed and four-titted furries. I swear man, whatever fetish you can find, be it gynophagia or adult babies or insanely swollen genitals, you will find furries. They’re like the cockroaches of the fetish world, they get everywhere and there’s no stopping them.

05.20.06

Buck Angel: The Man With A Pussy

By Rob

The title of this post pretty much says it all: Buck Angel is a man with a pussy. Or, more technically speaking, Buck Angel is a transsexual former woman who has gone to great lengths to look as overly masculine as possible, but kept the ol’ vagina perfectly in tact. Yes, the person in these pictures is female, biologically speaking - but the miracles of surgery and hormone therapy have transformed her into more of a man than I’ll ever be. And what do you do with your life when you’ve turned into a boy but kept your girl bits? Naturally, you become a porn star.

Buck Angel is the self-proclaimed “first and only female-to-male transsexual porn star.” Seeing him/her/it in action is kind of like the visual equivalent of patting your head and rubbing your belly: Your brain just can’t quite process what’s going on. Something about the Lobo-esque comic masculinity of muscles and tattoos and a handlebar mustache make it ever so much more disturbing when your eyes pan down to where the twig ‘n berries ought to be, and instead find a weird, bald, giant-clitted mangina in their place:

The sad thing is, penis or no penis, he could totally kick my ass.

Buck’s internet empire spans not one, but three websites: his/her/its official site, his/her/its pay site, and his/her/its blog site. On the official site you’ll find The Buck Store, where you can purchase Mr. Angel’s many feature films, including Buck Fever, Buck’s Beaver, More Bang For Your Buck, and of course, The Adventures Of Buck Naked (Director’s Cut).

And, best of all? For a mere five dollars you can own this beautiful 8×10, signed by Buck himself:

I’d be interested to know what type of person considers Buck Angel enough of a hero to actually order this and display it in their home. I’m guessing it’s not a pretty sight.

Thanks to McGeek for the link.

04.26.06

Cunt Pumping: Chubby Cunts for All

By Ali

Rob’s entry about penis pumping last night reminded me of something that had blissfully slipped my mind until now: Pussy pumping. While cock pumping makes sense in a way because large cocks are seen as an indication of male sexual prowess, I can’t think of a goddamn reason why any chick would want to make her cunt swollen to the size of her fist. I just… I mean, I’ve had a cunt for as long as I can remember, and I like doing weird shit to it, but why would you… why… I’m at a loss for words here.

Pornabees features some extreme pussy pumping. They take a perfectly normal-looking cunt, slap on a gasmask with some suction at the end, and suck and suck until the result looks alarmingly like an apricot with a bad toupee.

The funniest thing about grossly enlarged vulvas is how much they resemble the lips on a person’s face. In fact, I’m going to work a little Photoshop magic now, and I encourage everyone to try this on pictures of their friends as well because it’s hella funny. Before:

And after (Sorry Cliff!):

That’s all done by using the gasmask-looking pumps, which seem to result in a pussy that looks more or less like a normal one, only larger. Some women decide to use the tube-shaped ones that were probably meant for cocks, with disturbing results. There are sites with pictures of women who look like their unborn fetuses are being tugged right the fuck out, as can be seen here:

Oh, that’s nice. A large wad of indiscernable flesh that looks a bit like a prolapsed rectum. Consider my engines revved!

Did you find this article exciting? Want to learn how to pump your own pussy? Here’s the step by step instructions to get your own ridiculous engorged lovemound. I am eagerly awaiting the day someone starts the world’s first bellybutton-pumping site.

04.25.06

Pump Weekend: Because Inflating Your Genitals Is No Fun Without Friends

By Rob

Cock pumping is the timeless art of inflating your genitals by use of vacuum suction. Blood and lymph are sucked into the spongy tissue of your penis by the vacuum of the pump, causing it to stretch and swell. It sounds painful, and it can’t be good for you, but there’s simply no stopping some guys in their quest for a bigger schlong. Even more bizarre is saline injecting, a means of swelling up the balls to epic proportions.

There are plenty of well-documented extreme examples of pumping/saline, but today I want to focus on the social aspect. You see, for serious pumpers, pumping is not simply a utilitarian activity, but an arousing one. They like to sit around for hours and pump their meat as big as it can get. And as you can imagine, they like a little company while they’re going at it. Thus, cock-pumping enthusiasts from around the globe gather together at Pump Weekend, where they laugh, play, and frolic in the sun, all the while with giant plastic vacuum spheres around their genitals (click to enlarge - pun intended):

What the fuck is that thing? It looks like his penis is being quarantined. His wiener is a bubble boy or some shit. And look at it all coiled up like a big sweaty pink snake, ready to pounce.

A while ago I found this guy’s site, which features a lot of great pictures from all the pumping parties he’s attended. At pumping parties, you’re free to hang around in the buff with other pumpers, and work that pump until you have a veritable Pringles can stuffed with man-meat:

The next Pump Weekend starts this thursday, so you’d better hurry up and register! But what exactly goes on at Pump Weekend - other than the pumping, of course? A quick check on the schedule of events holds many answers. My favorite is the “swap meat,” where you can swap those old tubes that you’ve outgrown with someone who maybe has some nice nipple pumps you’ve been eyeing. I don’t even really like wearing used pants - but used penis pumps? Ewww. I bet they smell.

You’re probably ready to learn more about pumping, and maybe even attend the weekend. Tiger Pumping offers a handy “how to pump” guide for all those n00bs out there whose penises haven’t yet begun to resemble the sandworms from Dune:

04.21.06

Battle Of The Boobage: The World’s Biggest Juggs

By Rob

“America, the land of plenty.” There was a time when this phrase meant that our country was a promised land of rich resources and endless opportunities. These days, it’s far more applicable to our obsession with everything being bigger. Stupidly huge tank-sized SUVs, five pound triple cheeseburgers, Super Wal-Marts the size of small cities, our ever-growing national waistline… America has become synonymous with overindulgence. And naturally, the modern American spirit has injected itself into the breasts of our porn stars.

I’m not into fake breasts. Personally, I like the real thing; I’d take a natural A cup over a silicone-stuffed D cup any day. But that’s just me - a lot of guys, and girls, like their juggs bigger than nature can provide, and don’t particularly care if that means rock hard bolted-on backbreakers that wouldn’t jiggle in an earthquake. But even the most absurdly oversized baby feeders are lost in the shadows of the massive manufactured mammaries of Chelsea Charms and Maxi Mounds.

Maxi and Chelsea are porn stars who have augmented their breasts to impossible sizes using a now-illegal method called polypropylene string breast implants. According to Wikipedia: The string implants irritate the breast pocket which, in turn, promotes the production of fluid. The fluid is absorbed by the implant, resulting in continuous, gradual growth of the breast. Truly, the gift that keeps on giving.

There seems to be some online debate over which of these two porn stars’ breast pockets have been irritated more. Although numerous websites reference Miss Charms as having the world’s biggest breasts, and her Wiki has them weighing in at 31 pounds each (a full ten pounds more than Maxi’s), it is Miss Mounds who holds the Guinness World Record for largest augmented breasts:

I guess you’d need world record breasts to keep the attention away from a face like that. Never has the term “messed up from the chest up” seemed more apt. And since I know you’re wondering, her cup size is 42M. Visit her website where you can even buy one of her used bras for only $75.

Other than as a sideshow curiosity, I don’t exactly understand the appeal of these mutantly gargantuan breasts. When I was in elementary school I remember some project where our whole class worked together to create the solar system out of paper maché. The sun needed to be the largest of course, so we used a giant beach ball as the base. Now, someone skilled in the art of paper maché (if such people even exist) could probably turn that into a flawlessly-smooth yellow sphere. But we were seven years old. Our sun was big, hard, and mis-shapen, plauged with a rough, uneven texture of folds, wrinkles, and tears. It was a grotesque disaster, and it was the first thing I thought of when I saw Chelsea Charms‘ tits:

Maxi may hold the world record, but for my money, Chelsea’s flesh pillows look bigger and weirder and more like a bad effect in a Troma movie. Look at the fucking veinage on that shit! I can’t even imagine what a chore it is to walk around with sixty pounds of mutant tit flesh hanging off your chest. But at least she has a built-in drink holder:

If big stretched-out skin asteroids are your thing, head over to Photo Clubs for all the mega-jugg porn you could ever need.