10.23.06

Gays Gone Goofy

By Ali

It never ceases to blow my mind how many talented artists draw really fucking weird sexual imagery. Rob Clarke is one such artist. His works run the whole gay gamut, from your typical leathermen/cops/marines to defecating clowns (?!).

Rob is an illustrator who focuses on erotic gay imagery, with all of his men done in the hunky Tom of Finland style. Setting his work apart from other gay artwork I’ve seen (not that I’ve seen a lot or anything!) is that his images typically have a humorous side to them. At least I hope humor was the intended outcome, as I’d like to think that gay illustration aficionados don’t regularly fantasize about Joe Camel orgies:

Rob’s site has a whole section of holiday-oriented artwork, including tax day and even the under-appreciated groundhog day. This little guy predicts six more weeks of anal fisting:

The fun continues in a series of illustrations, many of them famous people in various stages of undress. I’m pointing this one out because why the fuck does half-dolphin David Bowie have half-dog David Bowie on a leash?

Rob seems to have a heightened interest in bodily functions, as is evidenced by the numerous defecating half-donkey men and farting cowboys. Apparently the Wild West was full of beefcake men who would frequently strip down to their boots and hold erotic fart rodeos:

There is also quite a bit of focus on men that are either dressed as animals or turning into them. My personal favorites are the men turning into donkeys a-la Pinocchio, but nude and with muscles bulging and schlongs flopping. There’s many more illustrations of otherwise normal men with animal features (curly pig tails or bunny ears) and men dressed as animals scattered throughout the site. Cock-a-doodle-doo indeed!

As always, I like to save the best for last. There’s one part of the site, the Poodle Parlor, that’s focused on the farting, shitting poodle boy. Each image is animated and accompanied by a dog-related joke. It’s really hard to pick out the single creepiest part of the poodle images. Is it the little white pompadour with the bow attached to a nude man? Is it the fact that he’s farting up a storm in two of the images? Is it the fucking butterflies? You tell me.

And even though this isn’t really erotic or anything, I figured I’d share the link to the Poodle Fitness video because it’s been making the rounds lately and it’s creepy as fuck:

08.16.06

Love Bugs

By Ali

Yeah I know it’s been a while, but sadly, sometimes you need to focus on things other than women pumping gas pedals and men fucking stuffed animals. No, the internet didn’t run out of weird porn, we just ran out of time to find it (again). I hope I never have to stray from pursuing my true ambition: Watching disgusting people doing disgusting things.

Speaking of disgusting people doing disgusting things, boy howdy do I have a treat for everyone today! I know Rob and I have often said that our content is really fucked up and shouldn’t exist, but this time WE REALLY MEAN IT! This is seriously disturbing, to the point that I kind of want to hide under my bed for the rest of the day. This is not for the faint of heart, and if you have a penis then be prepared to cradle it and reassure it that you will never do anything depicted in the following pictures and video.

So let’s break it down all: In the world of BDSM there’s something called cock and ball torture, or CBT. It’s a catch-all phrase for any sort of pain inflicted on the male genitals. Quite often it will involve things like tying ropes around the gentials, piercing the penis, kicking the testes, or inserting things like medical sounds into the urethra. While I’m sure other groups find bug bites on the nipples and vulva erotic (why not, right?) it mostly seems to be a focused subset of the CBT group.

But enough of me yammering, here’s the arthrophiles in action:

Crickets don’t bite so I don’t know why he’s got droplets of blood on his dong.

As for why anyone would be into this sort of thing, I couldn’t tell you. You’d have find a man hanging around fucking anthills and ask them. If I had to guess though, I’d say it’s that the sensation of a bug bite is succinctly different from any other type of abuse another person can inflict on male genitals, and because insects are unpredictable it’s hard to tell how they’ll move or when they’ll bite.

Festering wounds are the fly equivalent of a watering hole.

After getting hella crunk on this man’s semen, the flies stagger off to explore the rest of the glans.

Some species of slug?

And I’m not even going to try and guess what those marks are, I just know penisflesh isn’t supposed to look like that.

And now, a snippet of a video from the massive and disturbing collection over at BMEVideo (if you have a membership then you might want to check this out). If I played Monopoly and drew an “Erase the memory of your choice” card, I wouldn’t use it on the time I broke my arm, or the first time a boy broke my heart, I’d use it on this. I had to crop the picture down pretty far because I can’t stand looking at the full thing. Good luck watching it, and may God have mercy on us all:

Thanks (?) to my homeboy Jon for hookin’ me up with some samples from his personal collection.

05.12.06

My Sexy Pony

By Ali

In today’s high-stress world, sometimes it’s nice to get away from it all in the great outdoors. Maybe you could go to a friend’s farm out in rural Pennsylvania and relax, or maybe go hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Or maybe your idea of getting away from it all is to slap on some hooves and a bit and prance around outside (pic from shadowplayers.com):

Pony play is, like the name suggests, people who pretend to be horses. They get stabled, groomed, hosed down, hooved, get led around by the reins, and even pull carts and carry human riders on their backs. I’m sure most of us have at least dabbled in making our partners carry us around on their backs in a moment of silliness, but pony play takes it to a new level.

There’s a variety of different kinds of ponies. You have the show ponies, which get dressed up really well and prance about, they are more about looks than actually carrying riders. Spellbound from water-hole.com (a maker of fine pony gear) would be a good example of a show pony:

Then you’ve got the cart ponies, which can be either gender. They pull their masters in small carts, sometimes solo and sometimes in pairs:

And finally you have ones that carry human riders, as best seen on The Human Equine which is run by a burly ponyboy named Trigger. His major goal in life appears to be to allow as many women to ride him as humanly possible, to the point that he rents himself out to parties for women to ride him. A noble cause to be sure, and in all honesty if he asked me to ride him I’d probably go for it.

There’s also a subset of ponies who really like wearing full body latex. I can’t exactly tell why, as most real ponies I’ve seen are pretty fuzzy and not at all rubbery, but I guess if I can accept the fact that there are people who want to dress up and canter around like horses, I can accept that some of them would like to be wearing head-to-toe latex while doing it. I only bring this up because I wanted to have an excuse to post this picture:

There’s many more pictures and a fuller description of pony play at the-stampede.com, and I’m throwing this picture in because it is topical, but mostly because there’s someone on the right who looks like they’re made of water and I can’t stop laughing about it:

If you would like to learn more, check out this must see video, which is actually the entire reason I wrote this entry: My Sexy Pony!

05.01.06

Crabbypatty

By Ali

They say a picture is worth a thousand word. If that’s the case, this entry is worth 4,000 words. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce the Crabbypatty series.

04.22.06

Eels in a Butt!

By Ali

The asian eel sex video has already made its rounds on the internet, but I think enough people haven’t seen it to warrant an entry. I first saw the eel sex video at a friend’s house when I was completely plastered. While I was watching it I found myself clenching my anus as tightly as possible, hoping that somehow it would prevent the girl in the video from having all those eels slide into her ass. It didn’t work.

If you don’t feel like watching this truly remarkable video, don’t worry, I’ll give you a quick summary!

This is a funnel. It is a funnel full of eels.

This is the same funnel in a cute Japanese* girl’s asshole.

Same funnel, same asshole, but where have all the eels gone?

Japanese girl’s pigtailed friend is helping her make sure those little eels stay put! :)

Oh no, what could she be doing?

Huzzah, the eels have made their triumphant return!

What do you do when something comes flying out of your ass? Rub it on your chest!

Nothing is more seductive than sticking a live butt-eel in your mouth…

… except maybe chewing it.

* (I don’t actually know if these girls are Japanese, but if you see asian girls in a fucked up sex vid then it is generally safe to assume they’re Japanese!)

I also found some other eel-sex vids and pics. Ladies, just because something is phallic does not make you obligated to shove it into your orifice. It would amaze me if there were a single phallic object left in the world that some crazy broad hasn’t already tried to ram into her holes.

04.10.06

Flipper, Flipper, Cum in my Mouth : Dolphins and the Men Who Love Them

By Ali

I can’t remember the first time I found the Dolphin Sex FAQ, but I’m quite sure I was in my early teens, and it had a big impact on me. I think it was my first real hint that the internet wasn’t a place of fun and joy, but a place full of scary people who wanted weird sex. Sadly, dolphinsex.org is currently down, but the nice animal fuckers at zoophile.net have ensured that this precious information is not lost to the world. In addition to instructions on how to tell genders apart and how to gauge the sexual willingness of a dolphin, it contains the all-important tips to make sweet aquatic love to them.
There are many interesting parts in the article, but the best part by far is the “What do I do if a dolphin wants to mate with me?” response. Here’s a few informative snippets, interspersed with pictures of dolphin genitalia:

WARNING! In the considerations of safety, you should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you. The Bottle-nose dolphin member is around 12 inches, very muscular, and the thrusting and the force of ejaculation (A male can come as far as 14 feet) would cause serious internal injuries, resulting in peritonitus and possible death. Unless you are the masochistic type, you will have a hard time explaining your predicament to the doctors in the emergency ward….

The force of ejaculation can be powerful at times, so it is best to keep your face out of the line of fire, or keep his member underwater. You can attempt to lick and suck on the end of it while masturbating as well, but be warned, do not try to give full throat, and get the hell out of the way before he ejaculates! A male dolphin could snap your neck in a accidental thrust, and that would be the end of that relationship.

His tombstone could read “He died the way he lived: Sucking off Flipper.”

You may want to use the other arm to gently hold her close, and place the tip of your member against her genital slit. She will, if interested, arch her body up against you, taking you inside her body. There is usually a fair bit of wriggling and shifting, usually to get comfortable, both outside and inside. Once comfortable, though, females initiate a series of muscular vaginal contractions that rub the entire length of your member. They may also thrust rhythmically against you, so enjoy the experience while you can, since you will rarely last longer that a minute or two. Just prior to her climaxing, she will up the speed of her contractions and thrusts. It is interesting to note that the times I have mated with females, they have timed their orgasm to mine. Whether they do this consciously or not, I do not know, but it is a great feeling to have two bodies shuddering against each other at the one time.

While I don’t routinely go around looking for dolphin sex on the internet, I figured “If there’s a fucking FAQ dedicated to it, there’s probably some creepily drawn images of the act as well!” Sure enough, I found DolphinParadise, with both pictures and stories, as well as a large amount of photos of dolphin genitalia (as posted earlier).

I love bad artwork. I really do. And this is terrible. It’s like someone’s highschool art project gone horribly wrong.

And this one is an orca, not a dolphin, but it is pretty awesome and I doubt I’ll be making an orca-sex article any time soon. I love how the woman looks like a post-op transsexual with a really bad boob job.

Watching Flipper will never be the same for me again.