Suffice to say, nothing we could dig up for the site this week could possibly be as grotesque as Republican Representative Mark Foley’s instant message creepfest with an underage boy (although this comes pretty damned close). But a little detail in the colorful Foley transcript caught my eye, and it gave me an idea for a nice, topical entry for Population Paste. See? This site counts as current events.

In the chat heard round the world, Foley’s teenage victim mentions he has an inexplicable arousal to girls wearing casts. Foley considers this a bit strange, which is an interesting assertion from a fifty year old man who just asked his teenage page what he does with his spooge towel after he jacks off. As it turns out, the kid is far from alone in getting a chubby at the sight of a girl all wrapped up in plaster - a large group of cast fetishists have carved out a comfy niche in cyberspace, where they look at photos of girls in casts, write stories about girls in casts, and draw pictures of girls in casts.

This is another one I just don’t get. Maybe it’s because I spent a whole summer in a full leg cast once, so I can say with some authority that it sucks beyond my ability to describe. There is nothing fun or sexy about it - the only upside was getting sponge baths from sympathetic girls, since you can’t shower like a normal human. Otherwise, breaking your limbs and, more significantly, the many months of agonizing recovery that follow, is a horrendous experience. But that seems to be part of the appeal to cast fetishists. One blogger, Krista, apparently began innocently documenting an extensive injury she suffered, only to find cast fetishists leaping on the pictures she posted by the hundreds. Her posted response sums the matter up pretty nicely.

But enough admonishment, let’s get to the pictures! As with similar fetishes like the whole amputee thing, cast porn rarely even qualifies as actual porn, since most of the models are fully clothed - which, of course, only adds to the weirdness. You’d have a much easier time talking me into this if there were at least naked chicks involved, but more often it’s just helpless girls trying to get through their day-to-day life while wearing various casts. Sometimes that means going to the park and riding the teeter-totter with a full head cast:

Cast Fetish and FantaCast seem to be the two biggest casting sites - on the sample pictures page you’ll get an idea of what kind of images people pay money to see. Note the eerie and universal use of acronyms to describe different types of casts, such as SLC (short leg cast) and LATS (long arm…. something that starts with a t… cast). Note also that these girls haven’t actually even injured themselves, they’ve just been paid to put on casts and hobble around for the camera.

At least at Gips Dreams there is some nudity every now and then. Not that it helps inch any of this any closer to being sexy:

Indeed, the chances of finding any actual injured girls who would be willing to exploit their misery for the sake of lonely niche masturbators is pretty slim - thankfully the seriously disturbed individuals at Cast Central regularly scour the web for candid photos of actual teenage girls who have actually broken their bones - then steal said photos and make them available for their paying members to jack off to. That’s perverse enough even to make Mark Foley proud.

Not to be outdone, Cast Fetish volleys back with its stunningly shameless contributions page, where fans of the site send in their own candid snapshots of strangers they happen to see with casts on. There is even a little photo documentary of a young girl breaking her ankle playing soccer, with the caption “Nothing like the feeling, or sound of your ankle breaking. I was about 20 feet away and heard it.” Wow. Nice to know your little bald soldier can stand to attention at the sound of a girl’s bone cracking, you twisted fuck.

As with all fringe fetishes, the cast fetish brings with it a delightful assortment of terrible artwork - and as you know, that’s one of our favorite things here at Population Paste. Cast Fetish has a large art gallery, which runs the gamut from bad pencil sketches like this one:

To full 3D renderings like these:

My favorites, though, are from a series of illustrations depicting sad girls laid up in elaborate casts, accompanied by little stories that detail their pain and misery. Usually their casting has them conveniently stuck in a sexual position, like this girl whose injuries required that her hand be positioned between her legs, and that she regularly exercise the fingers of said hand to avoid muscle atrophy. Riiiiiight:

I like how the doctor was kind enough to leave a little window for her boobs. You know, so they can breathe.

Oddly, a lot of girls in these drawings manage to have very specific injuries which require them to be positioned with their legs spread wide open. Huh! Imagine that!

If all the custom photo shoots, art galleries, candid shots, and stories aren’t quite enough for your casting needs, Plaster Of Paradise (great name) has an extensive gallery of casts in movies and TV. Like these overwhelmingly erotic stills from an episode of Laverne & Shirley where the hapless Laverne breaks her leg and comedic hijacks ensue:

Ooooh yeah, that’s hot. Just try to walk, Laverne! Just try! You can’t, can you?? Ooooh, you’re so sexy when you’re helpless.

Casting has also entered the “blogosphere,” as the kids call it: Cast World has the same mindless ramblings and excessive YouTube linking you’ve come to expect from blogs, but this time it’s all about casts. The most recent entry excitedly points readers to the latest addition to Apple’s clever anti-PC ad campaign, which has The Daily Show’s John Hodgman - aka the PC - looking mighty sexy in a delicious left arm SAC, a sultry left leg LLC, and a titillating right arm LAC - ooooh baby! The cast-enamored blogger comments:

“Irregardless of what computer you turn on each night, at least one thing in this add is clear for cast lovers everywhere, Mac is certainly the runner up here!”

Riiiiiiight.

Since being in a cast is so fun and sexy, I’m going to offer a free service to any cast-a-holics who want to “live the dream,” so to speak. Come see me and for absolutely no charge, I will smash your kneecap with a sledgehammer until it is little more than a formless mess of bone fragments. Sounds painful, I know, but think of the bright side - you’ll get to spend months and months in a shiny new LLC, just like I did! Well, what are you waiting for?

While I’m at it, here’s some of my own personal cast porn - this is me right after taking off my LLC - pretty hot, huh?

It smelled, too. Real bad.

How’s that boner coming along?

Posted in fuckin' weird, inanimate objects at 7:16 am