Since Ali blackened my soul in ways I thought previously unimaginable with her most recent entry, I decided I’m not even going to try and compete. In fact, what I bring for you today doesn’t even involve any nudity, let alone millipedes crawling in and out of urethras. No, today I bring you a light-heartedly weird fetish from the fringes of sexuality: The crush fetish.

According to the bastion of useful knowledge that is Wikipedia, a crush fetish is “a paraphilia which primarily consists of the desire to see others (generally members of the opposite sex) crush inanimate objects or small creatures.” I was aware of this fetish in regards to the crossroads between foot fetishism and femdom where men like to be trampled on by dominating females, often with high heels or bare feet. And yeah, I suppose that’s weird, but in the scope of things, it’s not that weird. What is weird is the inanimate object side of crushing/trampling, which was brought to my attention via an anonymous submission of a site called tube crushing.

Tubecrushing.com is your one-stop shop for all things related to an absurdly specific corner of the crushing fetish which relates exclusively to “stomping and squizing [sic] every drop of liquid mass out of tubes.” This means - you guessed it - high heels squeezing toothpaste tubes:


Mmm, like candy-striped semen!

Personally I like the ketchup-squirting action - I suppose this is the tube-crushing equivalent of the cumshot:


Eh, I'm only turned on by Heinz.

When I saw all of this, I honestly thought it was a joke. I thought maybe someone was satirizing fringe fetishes and made it as a parody. But further research led me to see cucumber crushing on hercruelfeet.com:


What happened to the good old days of porn, when cucumbers were strictly for penetration purposes?

…and violent teddy bear massacres on crushmovies.com:


Christopher Robin grew up to be a cross-dressing sadist.

…and point-of-view crushing at antatheka.de:

…and my eventual concession that not only is this fetish for real, but it’s surprisingly extensive.

There’s a lot of crushing of miniature people - Ken dolls and the like - because somewhere along the line crush fetishism intersects with the whole giantess aspect of macrophilia. Seriously, someone needs to build a family tree of obscure fetishes, because this shit gets confusing. I think I’ll save the giantess shit for another day, because it has produced enough bad Photoshopping to be worthy of its own entry - consider this sample, in which a giant woman rises from the sea Godzilla style to reclaim her pumps, which seem to have been mistaken for WMDs and confiscated by the US military:


Women and their shoes, I tell ya...

Oh, and in case you were wondering: Yes, crush fetish occasionally deviates into the crushing of actual small creatures, although most of the crush community thankfully won’t tolerate it. There is, however, some pretty nasty snail crushing on crushmovies.com:


Stop the needless genocide of innocent snails! You people disgust me!

And to this I say: FUCK YOU, creature crushers! Have your little fringe fetish fun with toothpaste tubes and balloon animals, but leave Goddamn innocent critters out of it - yeah, even snails.

Anyway, what I like about the inanimate object crushing fetish is that as far as porn goes, it’s very economical. While mainstream pornographers have spend at least a few dollars to hire trailer trash junkie girls with low self esteem who will let a dirty old man ram a cock down their throat until they puke while two big black dicks are mining their colon, creating crush porn is quick, easy, and chances are you already have everything you need to get started!

To prove this, I decided to make my very own crush porn gallery and hope that the crush fetishists of the world will approve of my work. Since I have an absurd amount of miniature things, I’m the perfect candidate for a new crush pornographer. I just gathered together some things from around the house, and asked a couple of the many hot sluts who regularly come over simply for the privilege of servicing my dick if I could briefly borrow their feet - and ten minutes later, I have a highly erotic collection of crush porn images.

This inaugural series in what is sure to be a long and prosperous career in crush porn focuses on merciless giant women who squish the life from helpless pop culture icons with their mighty high heels. So, who’s our first victim?


Mario crush porn

It’s-a-him, Mario! Mama Mia!


Beaker crush porn

Oh no, Beaker! Nooooooo!


Superman crush porn

Even the Last Son Of Krypton is no might for our ruthless giantess!


Alien crush porn

Watch the poor Xenomorph struggle under the weight of crushing high heels! Ooooh yeah that’s hot stuff!


Roboto crush porn

Roboto is pinned down! Where’s He-Man when you need him? Fuck, these pictures are sexy!


Krang crush porn

The merciless foot of doom does what the Turtles never could, and squishes the evil Krang like a bug! Yeah, baby, oh yeah, crush that little alien brain creature!


Devo crush porn

Oh fuck, not Mark Mothersbaugh! SPARE MARK MOTHERSBAUGH!!


Star Wars crush porn

Admiral Ackbar! The rebellion will crumble without you!

Oh man, I’m getting really hot, and it’s hard to type with one hand, so I think that’s enough for now. For my first foray into crush porn, I’d say I hit a home run, no?

Seriously though, if any actual crush fetishists have stumbled upon this page and actually found the above photos arousing and have as a result engaged in auto-erotic stimulation while viewing the above photos, PLEASE e-mail us and tell us about your experience. It would make a great follow-up report.

Posted in inanimate objects at 2:26 am