If you’re a veteran internet dweeb, there’s no doubt you know what the term “goatse” refers to. If you’re not a veteran internet dweeb, Wikipedia should give you more than you need to know, but here’s the quick and dirty: Basically, goatse.cx was a website which displayed the following image to shock unsuspecting viewers:

Yes, a man stretching his rectum to grotesque proportions. You’ve almost certainly seen that before - and if you hadn’t, well… Welcome to the other side. You can’t un-see that, my friend. You’re one of us now.

Goatse became an infamous internet meme and spawned countless netnerd jokes, Photoshoppings, and even a t-shirt. But as well-known as the goatse name and that dreadful picture have become, most people know nothing about the man behind the ass. As it turns out, his name is Kirk Johnson, and he’s kind of a big deal. Well, at least in the world of extreme male anal insertions. When it comes to rectal stretching, this guy is the king.

Kirk, or “Mr. Goatse,” as the internet has dubbed him, regularly posts photos and videos of himself on the newsgroup alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.male.anal. His acrobatic ass, which seems to defy all laws of nature, can be seen taking bottles, dildos, giant butt plugs, and his own fists. I’m going to share with you some of his best work, including a video that you have to see to believe. But first, let’s take a look at Mr. Goatse’s famous anus in its default state:

I don’t know how many people reading this have actually taken a good look at their own asshole, but I’ll give you a little tip: It’s not supposed to look like that. It’s supposed to be much, much smaller. I’m guessing that Mr. Goatse has more anal leakage than the guy who invented Olestra, and has to wear a diaper or some shit to keep it from dribbling onto his office chair while he’s preparing your taxes or whatever this guy does for a dayjob. Maybe he sticks a super-absorbency tampon up in that badboy and hopes for the best. Either way, I suppose it’s a small price to pay for having great party tricks like this one:

This one’s clever, too:

He’s just warming up, though. Let’s bring out the big guns:

Here’s my favorite - he’s actually reached his penis down and stuck it in his ass. Mr. Goatse can buttfuck himself! If this ain’t a cure for a friday night alone at home, I don’t know what is:

But really, Mr. Goatse is nothing without his signature move. A Kirk Johnson photo shoot without the famous stretch would be like a Skynyrd concert without “Freebird.” So here it is, and in the great outdoors no less:

But none of this even begins to compare with seeing Mr. G in action. This video adds a whole new dimension to the Goatse world. This is to Goatse what technicolor was to film. Ladies and Gentlemen, please click the thumbnail below to see Kirk Johnson working his special magic, in full glorious video:

To conclude, I should mention that no photo of Mr. Goatse has ever shown his face, which means that he could be your teacher, your accountant, your neighbor, or even that one creepy uncle who always hugs you a little tighter than he probably should. Wash your hands, people. Always wash your hands.

Posted in bizarre insertions, sex toys, really nasty at 7:00 am