04.11.06

Adult Babies: Mommy Wow, I’m a REALLY Big Kid Now

By Rob

Ah, the stresses of the adult world: Having a job, paying taxes, buying a house, getting car insurance, raising a family… The constant pressures and responsibilities adults face every day can sometimes make you want to escape to a situation where you’re completely helpless. Where your every need is met by someone else, and you can just let go and… wet your diaper. Welcome to the world of adult babies, where grown men (and women) dress and act like helpless infants.

Its official term is infantilism, and it’s more common than you’d hope. It begins with a mild diaper fetish, and extends all the way into full-fledged role-playing, where one adult completely assumes the role of a baby (including over-sized nappies and cribs), and often another adult takes care of them as one would a child. It’s an unusual age-play variation of traditional dominant-submissive behaviors that basically boils down to the movie Big gone incredibly wrong. But what it means for you is hilariously disturbing pictures of 40-something men wearing diapers, sucking on pacifiers, and in some cases even dressing as little toddler girls:

Diaper Pail Friends seems to be the largest adult baby resource on the internet - you’ll find stories, pictures, and yes, personal ads - where you can find other babies, or caring mommies to change your diapers and bottle-feed you. There are even detailed reports from adult baby parties, which I can only imagine are some of the most bizarre events on the planet.

Best of all, though, is Tommy’s Page, the home of the site’s creator. He’ll walk you through some of his finest moments as an adult baby, such as this one:

Another adult baby homepage you might find amazing is Baby Brrr’s Homepage. The photo gallery alone utterly defies belief.

But let’s say you’re an adult baby, and inevitably, you’re finding that the world is somewhat less than accommodating to someone with your, shall we say, unique interests. The stuff at Babies ‘R’ Us is just a tad too small for your pasty, out-of-shape 43 year old body. That’s where Forever A Kid comes into play - you’ll find all sorts of children’s clothes recreated in sizes suitable for adults - even oversized nursery accessories.

But what good does the world’s best over-sized crib do you if there’s no one to change your diapers? That’s where Mommy Blue comes in.

Mommy Blue is a dominatrix-for-hire who specializes in the unique needs of adult babies. For a modest fee, she will feed you, change your diapers, and even give you a spanking if you’ve been a naughty baby.

Fucking. Creepy.

04.10.06

Flipper, Flipper, Cum in my Mouth : Dolphins and the Men Who Love Them

By Ali

I can’t remember the first time I found the Dolphin Sex FAQ, but I’m quite sure I was in my early teens, and it had a big impact on me. I think it was my first real hint that the internet wasn’t a place of fun and joy, but a place full of scary people who wanted weird sex. Sadly, dolphinsex.org is currently down, but the nice animal fuckers at zoophile.net have ensured that this precious information is not lost to the world. In addition to instructions on how to tell genders apart and how to gauge the sexual willingness of a dolphin, it contains the all-important tips to make sweet aquatic love to them.
There are many interesting parts in the article, but the best part by far is the “What do I do if a dolphin wants to mate with me?” response. Here’s a few informative snippets, interspersed with pictures of dolphin genitalia:

WARNING! In the considerations of safety, you should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you. The Bottle-nose dolphin member is around 12 inches, very muscular, and the thrusting and the force of ejaculation (A male can come as far as 14 feet) would cause serious internal injuries, resulting in peritonitus and possible death. Unless you are the masochistic type, you will have a hard time explaining your predicament to the doctors in the emergency ward….

The force of ejaculation can be powerful at times, so it is best to keep your face out of the line of fire, or keep his member underwater. You can attempt to lick and suck on the end of it while masturbating as well, but be warned, do not try to give full throat, and get the hell out of the way before he ejaculates! A male dolphin could snap your neck in a accidental thrust, and that would be the end of that relationship.

His tombstone could read “He died the way he lived: Sucking off Flipper.”

You may want to use the other arm to gently hold her close, and place the tip of your member against her genital slit. She will, if interested, arch her body up against you, taking you inside her body. There is usually a fair bit of wriggling and shifting, usually to get comfortable, both outside and inside. Once comfortable, though, females initiate a series of muscular vaginal contractions that rub the entire length of your member. They may also thrust rhythmically against you, so enjoy the experience while you can, since you will rarely last longer that a minute or two. Just prior to her climaxing, she will up the speed of her contractions and thrusts. It is interesting to note that the times I have mated with females, they have timed their orgasm to mine. Whether they do this consciously or not, I do not know, but it is a great feeling to have two bodies shuddering against each other at the one time.

While I don’t routinely go around looking for dolphin sex on the internet, I figured “If there’s a fucking FAQ dedicated to it, there’s probably some creepily drawn images of the act as well!” Sure enough, I found DolphinParadise, with both pictures and stories, as well as a large amount of photos of dolphin genitalia (as posted earlier).

I love bad artwork. I really do. And this is terrible. It’s like someone’s highschool art project gone horribly wrong.

And this one is an orca, not a dolphin, but it is pretty awesome and I doubt I’ll be making an orca-sex article any time soon. I love how the woman looks like a post-op transsexual with a really bad boob job.

Watching Flipper will never be the same for me again.

04.08.06

Grandmas and Dildos: So Happy Together

By Ali

I’m feeling a bit under the weather so I’ll make this short and, uhh, sweet?: Old people have every right to have as active and full of a sex life as everyone else. However, I believe that no one should be subjected to photographs of it. The Granny Sex Forums feel otherwise, and since we are dedicated to bringing you things that even we would rather not see, here are pictures of grandmas enjoying themselves with dildos:

Sweet dreams!

04.07.06

Burning Desires: Sticking Things In Your Peehole For Fun And Profit

By Rob

A number of years ago, a dingy, long-haired redneck roadie told me a story of a video he’d seen - he swore to his grave on its existence, and for me it’s been a sort of Holy Grail of bizarre internet videos ever since. The content of the video involved a small chihuahua mounting a man’s cock and fucking the man’s urethra with the dog’s tiny dick. A little dog fucking a man’s peehole. When you think about it, it’s absolutely amazing. It’s that type of perverse creativity that fascinates me into making a site like this one. There’s something about the pursuit of sexual gratification that drives people to the utmost extremes of human behavior.

My point is that for some people - men in particular - there comes a time when jacking off just isn’t enough. I suppose it’s a sort of domino effect, starting with some innocent fingering of the butthole, and ending, somewhere down the line, in the hospital. The particular example of this I’ll be discussing today is a last resort of the desperately horny. When other things just aren’t quite cutting it, these people seek pleasure… from their peeholes.

The urethra, unlike other orifices, is strictly designed for one-way activity. There’s no negotiating that - it’s the way things are. I’m not ashamed to admit that at one point in my life I’ve had the infamous STD test which involves the doctor sticking a Q-Tip into your urethra. I learned two very important things from that test: One - I don’t have chlamydia. Two - inserting an object into your peehole HURTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCK. It does. It really hurts. Things aren’t supposed to be in there, and your body has a rather dramatic way of telling you that. But such things are small obstacles to those determined to find new ways of pleasuring themselves - you see, for a growing number of people, inserting objects into the urethra is all kinds of fun.

In the darkest corners of the internet, you’ll find guys sticking all sorts of objects into their pee tubes. For example…

Forks (ouch):

Razors (ouch):

Vegetables (ouch):

Cell phone antennas (OUCH):

Even high heels (OOOUUUUUCH!):

But it’s not just men who get in on the fun. One video I encountered shows a woman getting fucked in her urethra. Yes, a (debatably) full-sized penis penetrating a hole so small most girls don’t even know it’s there. If you’re torrent-savvy you can download the clip, but otherwise here’s a screen cap:

A little difficult to make out, but it’s there. The dick is in the peehole, while the fingers inhabit the vagina. Fucking brutal.

If you have any doubts on the dangers of urethral insertion, I suggest watching this video, which highlights some fantastic medical cases like an Italian man shoving uncooked pasta up his peepee, and a modern-day Romeo presenting his lover with a beautiful flower… stuck in his wang.

But if you’re determined to ignore the warnings and frig your piss tunnel until it bleeds, then I suggest hopping over to Wartenbert Wheel, where you’ll find some exciting stainless steel products specifically designed for urethral insertion.

Oh, I almost forgot - I leave you with the most horrifying urethral invasion I’ve ever encountered - click the thumbnail to watch the video clip, and prepare to curl up in horror:

04.06.06

Cheap Sex Dolls: Less Than You Bargained For

By Ali

Sex dolls have been funny-looking since the heyday of the blowup doll. The vacant stare, the gaping mouth, and the misplaced vagina have been mainstays of sexdoll-hood for decades, but the times they are a-changin’. With the growing popularity of high quality silicone love dolls such as RealDoll, the nightmarish blowup dolls we all know and love (sometimes even in the Biblical sense) are on their way to becoming a thing of the past.

Or are they? A brand new silicone lover from RealDoll will set you back a good $7,000 and, like all expensive things, cheaper knockoffs will always be produced in an attempt to capitalize on the poor Schmo who couldn’t afford the real thing. But unlike normal knockoffs, which usually just fall apart, knockoffs of what is supposed to resemble a human being take on a whole new level of disturbing.

Enter CybOrgasMatrix, which makes some of the most unsettling dolls I have ever seen. If I had a dick, it would be as limp as an overcooked noodle right now.

They only seem to have one doll currently, and her name is Pandora Peaks. She’s a crude facsimile of the real woman, to be sure, but she does have the pendulous bosom that was Pandora’s trademark. Pandora comes in a variety of skin and eye colors, and you can select your own wig and pubic hair style, but one thing stays the same: The face. Oh god, the face.

Imagine, if you will, trying to climax inside this monstrosity. You stare into your silent silicone lover’s glass eyes, which stare off at nothing in particular. As you hump away into her cold rubbery cunt, her large-mouth bass lips open and shut ever so slightly. And, worst of all, is her nose. The nose that plastic surgeons around the world have nightmares about, and members of the Jackson family covet. Just look at it:

But that’s not all, there are even more heavily discounted versions of her. Here, she looks like she’s on an alien dissecting table, where they’ve been carefully amputating her limbs and drawing on her nipples with a red Sharpee.

For those on an even bigger budget, have no fear! You can buy each individual part! Not only can you buy just her breasts, or just her hips, but you can also buy her head! I have a hard time imagining what you could possibly want to do with her head alone, other than punt it into traffic.

Perhaps the most encouraging thing on this site is that underneath all of Pandora’s pictures it says “Currently undergoing re-design. Available late 2006.” I wonder how long it took them to realize “Shit, our doll looks like Michael Jackson on a bad day, we should really do something about that!” Here’s hoping, guys!

That’s all I can bear to write tonight, so enjoy this picture of Michael Jackson giving head:

04.05.06

Animal House: Doggie Dongs and Kitty Cocks

By Rob

So you’re a zoophile, right? You enjoy having sex with animals. Let’s just say, just as an example… dogs. Canines are your thing. Man’s best friend and his veiny red rocket, that’s what gets you off. But, you know, having a dog is so much responsibility! You have to train it, walk it, get its shots, buy it food… You can’t go out of town without getting someone to watch it… Total pain in the ass - just to get laid! All you want is a hole full of big hard German Sheppard cock, but none of the responsibility. Well that’s where Zetacreations comes in. At Zetacreations, you can purchase a realistically-molded dog penis dildo, and bam! All the steamy sexual satisfaction of a real doggone dog dong, but you don’t have to vacuum the hairs off your couch the next morning!

Of course, the insatiable love between man and beast is not limited simply to the world of canines - and Zetacreations knows this all too well, which is why it offers a wide variety of realistic animal dildos for the discerning zoophile customer. These start with “typical” animal cocks, like a horse:

To more obscure animals, like kangaroos:

Dolphins:

Alligator:

And on and on: Pigs, otters, hyenas, grizzly bears, raccoons, deer… All of their penises have been carefully studied and recreated by Zetacreations.

And for the horse-lover who just can’t get enough… meet Thor:

People have legs smaller than that thing. And somewhere, someone is going to put it in their butt.

Best of all, though, is that Zetacreations has - by popular demand - catered to the imaginative zoophile, and even crafted some lovely silicone recreations of mythical creature penises. Consider, for example, the dragon dong:

I think about some pretty weird shit, but I can safely say that I have never once even considered the specifics of what a dragon’s wang might look like - but dammit, now that I see this, I have to say I think Zeta’s gone and nailed it. They’ve also done a spectacular job with The Tentacle, the perfect accessory for all of you ladies eager to act out your favorite anime tentacle rape scenes:

So next time you’re hankering for some equestrian lovin’, don’t fight with the real thing and end up like this guy - head on over to Zetacreations and get yourself a nice safe plastic alternative.

Oh, and when you’re trying to get to sleep tonight, just remember that you live in a world where somewhere, someone has fucked - no doubt to great satisfaction - a synthetic raccoon penis.