04.17.06

Meet Mitch!

By Rob

This is Mitch. Some of you have probably already met Mitch - I introduced him to the world a while back on my blog. But really, this site is a much better home for someone like Mitch, so he’s moved over here where he belongs, and he’s even added some stuff to his page.

Click here to meet Mitch! This is a fun link to send to your friends, particularly when they’re at work.

Once you’re acquainted with Mitch, and you inevitably find yourself wanting more, click here for some all new photos of that lovable guy!

You can thank me later.

04.16.06

MyMasturbation: Whip it Good!

By Ali

Ever since I was a kid I’ve been an avid fan of masturbation. Before I was old enough to go out and buy vibrators, I had to find various other ways to keep my clit happy. One of my first loves was the Squiggle Wiggle writer, a partner that got me through middle school. Back then I thought my use of the Squiggle Wiggle writer was unique, but today’s site has let me know I was not alone.

My Masturbation is full of tales of jacking off. They offer various tips and tricks, and they suggest things that I would never have thought of on my own. The vast majority of these I won’t be trying any time soon. Sadly, the site contains no pictures or illustrated diagrams, so you’ll have to use your imagination.

First, some masturbation tips from the ladies. Here’s one involving one of my favorite childhood toys: Homemade Playdoh!

Make homemade playdoh (the recipe can be found at almost every kid’s website) and put it in a Ziploc bag as soon as it’s done, while it’s still warm. Lay the bag on the floor and hump it hard. Forming it into a large ball helps because pushing down into it will make it mold to fill in all around your clit and the warmth gives you an almost instant orgasm.

And masturbating with doors!

Grab the handles of your door knob and grasp the door between your legs while pushing up on the door at the same time and you will get the most amazing feeling!

I had a hard time envisioning how exactly this worked until I recalled a video of a woman humping a door. It is kind of scary.

I’m putting this one in only because of the stunning use of “the joy of Cola” at the end.

Take a 2 liter filled up pop and shake it very hard. Then put it under your pussy and take off the cap and let it explode all over your pussy, and feel the joy of cola…..

For the gentlemen, there is a good amount of information on how to fuck meat! It offers no tips on how to avoid salmonella, but if you’re desperate enough to fuck your brisket then salmonella is probably the least of your worries.

I like to go into the woods, finding someplace secluded with my dog. I take her for a walk. I carry with me a big beef stick that I have cut a hole in. I drop my pants and shorts and slip my cock into the hole. I like to sit down on top of a log and spread my legs wide, and slowly thrust my hips into the beef stick pussy. My dog is good for alerting me if someone is coming. I like to take my time doing this. I enjoy a prolonged tease before orgasm.

The grease from the beef stick makes a wonderful lube and I get great suction, for the stick makes a tight fit and is longer than my cock. I stop every now and then to taste my juices and lick the stick. It tastes very good. Then when I cum I lick the sperm from the stick.

I love how this guy felt it necessary to mention that he eats his own sperm. It’s as if he thought fucking beef stick wasn’t creepy enough, and he had to further disturb people by letting them know he eats cum off of beef and enjoys it.

I tried my best to find a picture of some dude fucking meat, but the best I could find was a chick with sausage in her tits. It happens to be a pretty good picture though, so I thought I should share!

And for those with a taste for baked goods…

I enjoy masturbating with a nice French roll. Open up the French roll then add any type of lubricant you can think of! Fold the roll around your cock and hump away. I’ve used many lubricants but what really gets me going is ketchup, that way I can pretend that I am popping that nice tight pussy for the first time!!!!! NICE

As if the meat and bread wasn’t enough, here’s a whole “odd” section as well. I can just picture some fucked up old metalhead doing this:

Now this might be kind of hard but it works. Grease your hair (really). Works best with long hair — and yes, the hair on your head. Then bend down REALLY FAR. Stick your cock in your hair put on some rock music and head bang. This is the most maximum pleasure ever!

Finally, this is… well.. I don’t know what to say.

Head over to Party City and buy a pair of those inflatable feet. They are usually really big. Inflate it until almost full, but you can bend it a little. Now fold it in half so that the place where you put your foot in is sticking up. You should have formed two holes now. Lube them both and stick your dick right in. I like doing this when looking in the mirror. I get off so damn fast. Sometimes I rub oil on my nipples. I explode everywhere and my hard throbbing cock is still asking for more.

And because it is topical and I don’t think he’s been embarrassed about it enough, I’d like to remind everyone that Rob likes to fuck beer can vaginas.

Thanks to Dana for the link!

04.15.06

Humping With Horsepower: Robotic Fucking Machines

By Rob




Dildos are wonderful things, but their downfall is that they require someone to operate them. Be it yourself or a partner, someone is going to have to hold on to that thing and manually slide it in and out of whichever hole you fancy. That is, unless you have a fucking machine to do the work for you.

At some point in time, a lonely, horny engineer was tinkering around late at night with gears and pistons and engine parts and thought, “Hey, I bet I could stick a dildo on the end of that…” Thus fucking machines were born. Indeed, fucking machines are exactly what they sound like: large, elaborate, motorized devices designed specifically to ram a dildo back and forth into you.

There are two major homes of fucking machine porn on the internet, divided up into boys and girls. The dudes’ site is called Butt Machine Boys, and it is truly a sight to behold.

In the updates section, you’ll see dozens of thumbnails hinting at the magic contained within the full pay site. Unfortunately the naughty bits have been blurred out in most of the samples, but you can see how the fucking machines work and the descriptions pretty much fill you in on what’s happening behind those blurry spots:

“The machines pounded his hole into a red oozing mass of edible man flesh.”

Christ, that sounds painful.

But really, what’s fascinating here are the machines themselves. With all the spirit of a school science fair, talented engineers from around the world have offered up a wide variety of unique hole-pounding creations, and they’re reviewed on this page.

I love all the different functions these have. The Double Crane is a dedicated double-penetration machine:

The Goatmilker, meanwhile, is specifically designed to suck on nipples:

For the ladies, this crazy futuristic multi-functional robohumper appears to fuck you with a dildo while simultaneously suction-cupping your breasts!

And for those on a budget, The Drilldo is precisely what it sounds like: A dildo attached to the end of an electric power drill.

Now, you may be seeing all these delightful contraptions thinking, “where can I get my own??” Look no further than Extreme Restraints, which sells a variety of fucking machines ranging in price from $127 for The Drilldo, to $1200 for The Black Magic, which is like the Soloflex of mechanical penetration devices. If Suzanne Somers gets her twat banged by a mechanical dildo machine (and I’m certain she does), it would definitely be The Black Magic. And it folds right up, for easy storage in the closet or underneath your bed! Which is nice, because some of these machines are so damned big, you have to wonder where you would put them when you’re having guests over? Although, I guess a giant industrial dildo machine in your family room makes for one hell of a conversation piece.

04.14.06

Masters of Mess: The Pie’d Pipers of the Internet

By Ali

I’ll admit it, I’m a pig. I love food, I love eating, and I especially love desserts. Chocolate-covered strawberries, coconut custard pies, cheesecakes, you name it and I probably want to shove that shit down my throat. The pleasure I get from food comes solely from eating it, however. At no point in time do I feel the need to strip down and apply the foodstuffs to my body.

Enter MessyFun and MessyChixxx, sites dedicated to people covering themselves with various sloppy, messy, disgusting substances, the most popular of which appears to be whipped-cream pies. Yes, the very pies popularized by slapstick clown acts that have delighted children for years are now delighting creepy old men.

I’ll be perfectly honest here: If someone came up to me and said “Hey Ali, we’ll pay you $5,000 if you sat around in a bikini and we photographed people throwing pies at you,” I’d do it in a goddamn heart-beat. It’s a weird fetish, but it doesn’t strike me as completely repulsive, and in fact it almost seems fun, albeit in a completely non-erotic way.

There’s nothing funnier than a woman that’s all dressed up, smushing a pie in her face. It’s so absurd. If you’re all dressed up, why are you going to ruin your getup with pie? Unless she got dressed up specifically to pie herself in style, which is entirely within the realm of possibility.

I am at a loss in finding a way that this picture could ever stir someone’s loins.

And what happens when two mess aficionados fall in love? Naturally, they have a messy wedding! The site says that “When the ceremony is over, Joey instigates some trouble and everyone ends up completely covered — and topless — in mud.” Classy.

Alright this is pretty cool. If I had a French maid at my disposal, I’d probably pay her a little extra if she’d let me throw pies at her because, come on, it looks pretty funny!

This reminds me of a story. A few years back I knew a few dominatrices, and one of the stories told to me was the story of a man who had a pie fetish. He would request that a cart of pies be brought in, of all types, and he asked the dominatrices to slowly recite the name of the pie, then throw it at his fully clothed body. If it was key lime pie, she had to say “Key lime pie!” before throwing it at his face. He said that the naming of the pie was absolutely essential for him to get off. Go figure.

A homage to Nickelodeon: Green slime!

Finally, this is the happiest pie-covered girl I have ever seen in my life.

Many thanks to windy city for the link!

04.13.06

Big Love: The Strange Sexuality Of Getting Fatter, and Fatter, and Fatter…

By Rob

I’m going to be honest with you right now. Go ahead, bring on the flames. Here’s the truth: I hate fat people. I know, I know, what a horrible and intolerant thing for me to say. But I’m not talking about people who are a little overweight, or people with glandular problems or genetic predispositions they just can’t overcome despite their best efforts. I’m talking about lazy, gluttonous, morbidly obese lardasses who are unhealthily huge simply because they eat like disgusting fucking pigs and sit on their fat fucking asses all day long. There are millions of them, and they are everything that’s wrong with America, wrapped up into one big blubbery package.

So, with that in mind, you can imagine that of all the bizarre fetishes I’ve encountered, “feederism” is the one that offends me the most - and I’m not exactly easy to offend. As many times as I’ve seen people eating their own feces or sticking octopuses up their asses, none of it has genuinely disgusted me quite like this particular practice.

It was Ali who first introduced me to a BBC documentary entitled Fat Girls And Feeders, an equal parts fascinating and horrifying look into the world of this strange group of individuals who are not simply attracted to overweight people, but who are aroused by the actual act of feeding them and watching them grow larger. Sexualized gluttony. Overindulgence at its most glorified and despicable.

There are two categories of people in this fetish, and it basically boils down to dominant and submissive: The feeder and the feedee, respectively. The feeder, usually male, is aroused by the idea of providing his feedee with as much food as he/she needs to grow fatter and fatter. Actually tracking the progress of the feedee’s growth is what turns these people on. The feedee (also called a “gainer”), then, is the person who continues to gain weight with the feeder’s assistance and support. The feedee is often a textbook case of someone with low self esteem being coerced into something destructive through the false encouragement of a dominant personality. I can’t recommend the documentary enough (if you can’t find it on TV, you might try here) for a distressing introduction to this dark world… but thankfully the web also provides a bounty of resources.

Fantasy Feeder is a very active community which celebrates weight gain as a beautiful thing, and provides all the resources you’ll need to engage in a rewarding feeder/feedee relationship. In addition to the usual image galleries and forums, you’ll also find unique features like diet programs to help your feedee gain weight quickly, and interactive games such as “Fatten Your Feedee”, where you are challenged to “fatten your girlfriend up to 500 lbs, whilst keeping her happy and healthy.” Healthy? Really? No one is 500 lbs. and healthy, you disgusting fucks.

My personal favorites are the fattening morphs, where a Javascript program lets you stretch already morbidly obese naked women to absurd proportions. Thankfully it only takes one hand to use a mouse, because this shit is HOTT!!

As always, it is the discourse of real fatties on the discussion forums where the most wretch-worthy material can be found. Here chunkies from around the world are raising important questions like “What are the best foods for a binge?” and “How does your idea of a ’snack’ change as you get fatter?” Jollygoodgainer writes:

“Hi. I’m just wondering how gainers’ idea of a ’snack’ has changed over time. For example, when I started gaining, that might be a large bag of chips. Today, while running errands, I felt a little hungry, so I had two burgers, fries, two drinks and a bag of chips and hardly felt full. Indeed, when I got home, the snack kind of continued. For a bedtime snack, I enjoy five or six hotdogs, a sandwich and a bag of chips, along with several glasses of pop.”

So, what would normally feed a small family is considered a SNACK for you, you fucking cow?

Of course, not everyone is as lucky as Jollygoodgainer. In the progress reports forum, you can discuss your weight gain successes and frustrations. One eager gainer writes:

“I weighed myself today and only weighed 343. Thats only a five pound gain in two weeks … I have been eating 6000 calories a day or more for a month. I’m only 7 pounds from my short term goal of 350, but my long term goal of 400 plus, seems unattainable.”

Can you feel the pain of this tortured individual as he is shunned from the gainer community at a laughable 343 pounds? I mean, come on, only 6000 calories a day?? HA! Fucking n00b.

Even better, though, are the many erotic stories featured on the site. This one involves a woman in a mini-mart being forced to eat junk food while she gets fucked by the cashier:

“I bent over the desk, trembling with fear and a strange anticipation as he pulled my old grey sweat pants down to my knees. I wasn’t wearing any underwear - too confining. I burned with embarrassment at what he must think of my massive cellulite covered ass. I yelped as I felt the wooden spoon smack my bare ass at least ten times. He stood me up and ordered me to eat the melted ice cream. I drank the creamy melted mixture and soon felt like I was going to burst. I could barely move and felt like a bloated butterball. He sat down in a chair and sweetly massaged my swollen belly and French kissed my belly button again. Soon, my pussy was juicy and tingling with anticipation.”

Somehow more distressing are the stories which don’t even involve sex, and instead focus solely on descriptions of over-eating:

“She pushed another hash brown into her mouth and glanced down at her poor stuffed stomach and gave a big sigh. Her girth was literally enormous and her belly so large that it was hanging over the front of the chair. Arthur must have seen her hesitation because her chirped up, ‘Come on Helen, just a couple of sausages to go. I’m sure you can manage it’. Helen chuckled, her fat cheeks dimpling, of course she could manage it she thought although she knew it wasn’t going to be easy. She cut her sausages in half and one at a time pushed her fork into them and brought them up to her mouth. Each half filled her cheeks causing them to bulge as she chewed and swallowed. ‘That’s it!’ Arthur looked as pleased as punch as he admired her clean plate, ‘You really have done very well.’”

So next time you’re at McDonald’s considering that third quarter pounder, don’t hesitate! Chow down on that bad boy and remember that on the internet, there’s always someone who would blow a load watching you chomp away at all the McNuggets you can stuff down your fat facehole. Hey, the world’s scientific community might unanimously agree without hesitation that being obese is significantly detrimental to your health, but what the hell do they know? The fine folks at Fantasy Feeder think your bulk is beautiful… and really, now that we mention it, you could stand to gain a few pounds.

04.12.06

CarStuckGirls: Where Being a “Stick-in-the-Mud” is a GOOD Thing!

By Ali

I know Rob recently wrote about pedal pumping, but I saw Carstuckgirls.com the other day and it was too good to pass up. In brief, Carstuckgirls is for people who have a thing for women driving off-road and getting their cars hopelessly stuck in the mud. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, this is real.

Part pedal-pumping/foot fetish, part messy fetish, part damsel-in-distress fetish, and part I-have-no-fucking-clue fetish, Carstuckgirls caters to a very strange niche of internet people. I can honestly say that this is the strangest fetish I have come across to date, and I have seen some fucking weird shit in my day.

It’s hard to say what people find appealing about this, but from what I can tell most photo sets are comprised of a few important parts: Women get their cars stuck in some soft terrain and exclaim “I’m stuck, I cannot get out!”, then they attempt to push their car out, only to have their feet get stuck as well. They then cry “Oh no my feet are stuck,” pry their feet out, go back into the car and pump the pedal with their mud-caked shoes as much as they can. The videos end with the girl either driving off to her freedom, or wailing in frustration because they’ve just dug their cars in even deeper. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m horny as hell now!

And it’s not just mud, either. They also have sand and snow, for those who want a little variety!

Check out at least a couple of the video previews too. I recommend the Mustang video, mostly because of how unconvincingly she says “Oh my gosh my shoe is stuck!” and “Oh my gosh my Mustang is stuck!” Acting at its finest. This one is good too, because the girls break out into a mud-wrestling fight out of nowhere.

Thanks to my friend Industriarts for the link!