Men have it pretty easy. We don’t have to bleed out of our genitals, we don’t have to get pap smears, and we don’t have to worry about getting knocked up. Women can rattle on about the miracle of life that only they can experience and yadda yadda yadda, but at the end of the day I’m pleased as punch that I won’t ever have to crave chocolate-covered pickles with mango sauce for nine months while I grow a little miniature human in my stomach and then painfully squeeze him out of a hole in my body half the size of the slimy little bugger’s head. But again, that’s just me. For some people, the idea of men getting pregnant isn’t just novel - it’s downright sexy. Enter the fetish of male pregnancy, or “mpreg” as it’s affectionately abbreviated.

Since male pregnancy is, of course, not possible, mpreggers rely on stories, role-playing, and bad Photoshop work to facilitate their strange forbidden desires. In the role-playing department, no one beats Lil Janelle, a cross-dresser with a flair for pregnancy simulation. Please click that link and enjoy his photos. I’d love to post them here, but he has a very stern warning on the bottom of his page:

Any person who reproduces, modifies, copies, distributes, or displays any photo from this web site without the written permission from the web designer agrees to pay the web designer a usage fee of ONE MILLION dollars for each item used on or in a public area and TWO MILLION dollars for each item used on or in a pay to view area in addition to
ALL legal costs incurred by both parties in the collection of said usage fees.

WHOA. I guess being pregnant really does make you cranky. When I read that warning I can’t help but picture a pregnant Dr. Evil, rubbing his belly with his pinky to his lips, saying “One MILLION dollars! Mwahahahaha!” Don’t worry, dude. No one’s going to steal your precious faux-pregnancy photos. But that doesn’t mean we can’t laugh at them.

If you’re not ambitious enough to dress up like a pregnant woman, and Photoshopped images like the one above aren’t quite your thing, you might want some realistic stories about pregnant men to sizzle your loins. At He’s Pregnant, you’ll find a number of erotic tales about men suddenly becoming preggers - sometimes from magical potions, sometimes from maniacal science experiments, and sometimes via good ol’ fashioned immaculate conception. In The Joe Luck Club, a magic potion from a Chinese herb shop gets Joe unexpectedly knocked up, and the horny boys in the shower room of his health club have taken notice:

Watching the guy masturbate excited Joe. His erection stuck straight up into the air. “Do your titties give milk,” asked the guy as he rapidly beat his meat? “Sure do,” responded Joe as he began to stroke his own dick. “Wanna see.” Joe began to pull on his nipples like he was milking a cow. “Come on babe,” said the guy, “milk those titties for Papa.” “Yeah milk those titties for me.” The guy soon shot his load all over Joe. He quickly washed up and left the shower leaving Joe all alone.

The stories inevitably lead to the men giving birth, although there seems to be some debate amongst mpreg erotic fiction writers as to whether men give birth from their penis or their ass. The penis method is slightly more amusing - here’s another excerpt from the mpreg classic, The Joe Luck Club:

The spasms in his stomach began to come faster and faster causing him to lie down on the bed. His penis was now as wide as his hips and the end was leaking. Suddenly he felt a spasm in his penis, then another.

He felt a sharp pain in his penis. He thought his penis was going to explode. He looked down and saw the head of a baby coming out of the end.

My favorite story, though, is Make Womb For Vijay, a tale of an Indian man’s struggles with his newfound pregnancy. After a mysterious professor gives Vijay a strange suppository, he begins noticing odd changes in his body which suggest he might be pregnant. His first reaction? He plays with his butthole:

I lightly touched my flaring butt lips and was surprised at the feeling I received. It was fantastic. I put down the mirror, got down on my knees, and began to massage my anus. I could not believe the feeling. I began to massage it more aggressively. In response my penis began to dribble lubricant. I began to tug on one of my nipples. The feeling that ensued was fantastic. I was surprised when I said aloud, “give me milk titties, give me milk.”

“Give me milk, titties, give me milk,” might just be my favorite new quote. Vijay’s newfound pleasure leads to a lot of graphically-described adventures with shampoo bottles, as apparently when a man gets pregnant he desperately wants to shove things up his ass and milk his tits. But Vijay begins to realize that he might have to tone down his frantic rump-ramming for the sake of the child inside him:

My anus now screamed to be filled. I put my fingers in again, but that only made it want more. I remembered the shampoo bottle. “What did I have with me that was like that shampoo bottle,” I wondered. I dug through the small satchel that I had brought with me. I didn’t have a shampoo bottle that was big enough, but I did have a bottle of bismuth that I used for diarrhoea. I sat the bottle on a tall mossy rock and squatted over it. My penis shot a mighty load of semen as I impaled myself on the bottle. But my anus was not yet ready to orgasm. It wanted more stimulation. I slid up and down on the bismuth bottle like a madman. Suddenly, and without warning an orgasm came. An orgasm that was so strong my whole body shook. Milk was now pouring out of my nipples and the baby in my belly was kicking intensely. The kicking became so strong that I worried that I had hurt my child. I immediately used my sphincter to eject the bottle from my anus. I rubbed my belly to soothe my restless child. Instead of being aroused by touching my swollen abdomen, I felt a peace in touching it. My child’s comfort now came before my own pleasure.

Eventually he comes to the realization that he is the chosen one, the man who will give birth and undo a curse which has taken away the fertility of his people. At the end of the story, Vijay poops out babies:

“Push Vijay, push,” says my uncle. I feel another head pass out of my body. “Push,” says my uncle. “Push.” I painfully contract my abdomen again. This time the baby passes out of my body with little difficulty. “Three babies,” I say not believing it. “Yes, Vijay,” responds my uncle. “Yes.” He and the attendants say a prayer. “Did you know about this,” I ask between heavy breathing? “Yes,” he responds, “I could feel them.” “We are truly blessed.”

We’re all truly blessed that someone actually wrote that story. I encourage you to read the whole thing and cry a little for humanity.

Click here for part two of my epic exposé on the weird world of pregnant men, where we explore a comic book about a pregnant superhero, find out what happens to The Backstreet Boys when they get knocked up, and even give you the opportunity to simulate your own pregnancy. I know you’re as excited as these proud daddies-to-be:

Posted in fuckin' weird, role-playing, gender confusion at 2:36 pm