Ever since I was a kid I’ve been an avid fan of masturbation. Before I was old enough to go out and buy vibrators, I had to find various other ways to keep my clit happy. One of my first loves was the Squiggle Wiggle writer, a partner that got me through middle school. Back then I thought my use of the Squiggle Wiggle writer was unique, but today’s site has let me know I was not alone.

My Masturbation is full of tales of jacking off. They offer various tips and tricks, and they suggest things that I would never have thought of on my own. The vast majority of these I won’t be trying any time soon. Sadly, the site contains no pictures or illustrated diagrams, so you’ll have to use your imagination.

First, some masturbation tips from the ladies. Here’s one involving one of my favorite childhood toys: Homemade Playdoh!

Make homemade playdoh (the recipe can be found at almost every kid’s website) and put it in a Ziploc bag as soon as it’s done, while it’s still warm. Lay the bag on the floor and hump it hard. Forming it into a large ball helps because pushing down into it will make it mold to fill in all around your clit and the warmth gives you an almost instant orgasm.

And masturbating with doors!

Grab the handles of your door knob and grasp the door between your legs while pushing up on the door at the same time and you will get the most amazing feeling!

I had a hard time envisioning how exactly this worked until I recalled a video of a woman humping a door. It is kind of scary.

I’m putting this one in only because of the stunning use of “the joy of Cola” at the end.

Take a 2 liter filled up pop and shake it very hard. Then put it under your pussy and take off the cap and let it explode all over your pussy, and feel the joy of cola…..

For the gentlemen, there is a good amount of information on how to fuck meat! It offers no tips on how to avoid salmonella, but if you’re desperate enough to fuck your brisket then salmonella is probably the least of your worries.

I like to go into the woods, finding someplace secluded with my dog. I take her for a walk. I carry with me a big beef stick that I have cut a hole in. I drop my pants and shorts and slip my cock into the hole. I like to sit down on top of a log and spread my legs wide, and slowly thrust my hips into the beef stick pussy. My dog is good for alerting me if someone is coming. I like to take my time doing this. I enjoy a prolonged tease before orgasm.

The grease from the beef stick makes a wonderful lube and I get great suction, for the stick makes a tight fit and is longer than my cock. I stop every now and then to taste my juices and lick the stick. It tastes very good. Then when I cum I lick the sperm from the stick.

I love how this guy felt it necessary to mention that he eats his own sperm. It’s as if he thought fucking beef stick wasn’t creepy enough, and he had to further disturb people by letting them know he eats cum off of beef and enjoys it.

I tried my best to find a picture of some dude fucking meat, but the best I could find was a chick with sausage in her tits. It happens to be a pretty good picture though, so I thought I should share!

And for those with a taste for baked goods…

I enjoy masturbating with a nice French roll. Open up the French roll then add any type of lubricant you can think of! Fold the roll around your cock and hump away. I’ve used many lubricants but what really gets me going is ketchup, that way I can pretend that I am popping that nice tight pussy for the first time!!!!! NICE

As if the meat and bread wasn’t enough, here’s a whole “odd” section as well. I can just picture some fucked up old metalhead doing this:

Now this might be kind of hard but it works. Grease your hair (really). Works best with long hair — and yes, the hair on your head. Then bend down REALLY FAR. Stick your cock in your hair put on some rock music and head bang. This is the most maximum pleasure ever!

Finally, this is… well.. I don’t know what to say.

Head over to Party City and buy a pair of those inflatable feet. They are usually really big. Inflate it until almost full, but you can bend it a little. Now fold it in half so that the place where you put your foot in is sticking up. You should have formed two holes now. Lube them both and stick your dick right in. I like doing this when looking in the mirror. I get off so damn fast. Sometimes I rub oil on my nipples. I explode everywhere and my hard throbbing cock is still asking for more.

And because it is topical and I don’t think he’s been embarrassed about it enough, I’d like to remind everyone that Rob likes to fuck beer can vaginas.

Thanks to Dana for the link!

Posted in sex toys, inanimate objects at 12:14 am