04.15.06
Humping With Horsepower: Robotic Fucking Machines
Dildos are wonderful things, but their downfall is that they require someone to operate them. Be it yourself or a partner, someone is going to have to hold on to that thing and manually slide it in and out of whichever hole you fancy. That is, unless you have a fucking machine to do the work for you.
At some point in time, a lonely, horny engineer was tinkering around late at night with gears and pistons and engine parts and thought, “Hey, I bet I could stick a dildo on the end of that…” Thus fucking machines were born. Indeed, fucking machines are exactly what they sound like: large, elaborate, motorized devices designed specifically to ram a dildo back and forth into you.
There are two major homes of fucking machine porn on the internet, divided up into boys and girls. The dudes’ site is called Butt Machine Boys, and it is truly a sight to behold.
In the updates section, you’ll see dozens of thumbnails hinting at the magic contained within the full pay site. Unfortunately the naughty bits have been blurred out in most of the samples, but you can see how the fucking machines work and the descriptions pretty much fill you in on what’s happening behind those blurry spots:
“The machines pounded his hole into a red oozing mass of edible man flesh.”
Christ, that sounds painful.
But really, what’s fascinating here are the machines themselves. With all the spirit of a school science fair, talented engineers from around the world have offered up a wide variety of unique hole-pounding creations, and they’re reviewed on this page.
I love all the different functions these have. The Double Crane is a dedicated double-penetration machine:
The Goatmilker, meanwhile, is specifically designed to suck on nipples:
For the ladies, this crazy futuristic multi-functional robohumper appears to fuck you with a dildo while simultaneously suction-cupping your breasts!
And for those on a budget, The Drilldo is precisely what it sounds like: A dildo attached to the end of an electric power drill.
Now, you may be seeing all these delightful contraptions thinking, “where can I get my own??” Look no further than Extreme Restraints, which sells a variety of fucking machines ranging in price from $127 for The Drilldo, to $1200 for The Black Magic, which is like the Soloflex of mechanical penetration devices. If Suzanne Somers gets her twat banged by a mechanical dildo machine (and I’m certain she does), it would definitely be The Black Magic. And it folds right up, for easy storage in the closet or underneath your bed! Which is nice, because some of these machines are so damned big, you have to wonder where you would put them when you’re having guests over? Although, I guess a giant industrial dildo machine in your family room makes for one hell of a conversation piece.
Tiffany said,
April 15, 2006 at 11:08 am
That first picture made me laugh so hard that I spit a mouthful of coffee right into my lap.
Well played, Rob. Well played.
nat said,
April 20, 2006 at 1:27 pm
If I were to be photographed using a robotic fucking machine, I’d make sure to slather some clearasil on my ass and clean that shit up prior to doing so! Gross!